A Train Of Thought ▽ɞ

[lisianthus]

あたしは多分すぐ寝るつもりです!
今日はあまり話さなかったです。それは残念でも!世界の終わり(英語のことわざを訳すのは大変ですねw)じゃないです!
明日は新しい日です!

ええと、何の理由でこれを書き初めました?

そう、ブランクさんの日は楽しかったでしょう?それは大切なことです!

even if you were like, not feeling well, the facf that you posted here means a lot!! you're a super super amazing お姉さん, so we'll always miss you! but seriously, please make sure you rest a lot!!

お休みなさ~い!!

 

[Blanc]

Still out, will get to replies soon… I have a lot to chat about LOL

 

[Blanc]

╔══▲═════════════╗
The us we knew today,
will have long since passed away
Just forget I said a thing,
anything I said at all.
There's not a single thing
I need to tell you anymore.
ᵛᶤᵛᶤ ᵇʸ ᴷᵉᶰˢʰᶤ ᵞᵒᶰᵉᶻᵘ
╚════════════▽═══╝

Sorry for rushed doodle, I had more thoughts I wanted to put into words than time I had to draw... LOL. God. This is difficult to write, but I'll start with the good things. I was pretty busy today, my friends wanted to hang out at the usual place, so I did some errands, aka sending my parents cards and getting everyone smoothies cause... why not? I didn't really feel social today, but hey, when have I not put others before myself, LOL...

God, sorry, there's a lot going through my head right now.

I'm having some serious deja vu to the feeling I got last week. I got a lot of compliments on my coord today, which was fun, but I always get flustered... LOL. Getting lunch was fun too, I wish I dressed in something more goth because soooo many people were in gothic aesthetics today, I was just in some classical lolita. Uhh, then we visited a new card shop that was selling the new Pokemon TCG that was releasing tomorrow! Because they were so close to closing time when I caved and preordered them, the store was kind enough to give me the set early, only making me promise I wouldn't take photographs of the cards I got till tomorrow, which works for me. My aunt also got another therapist recommendation for me, so I'm a bit hopeful to look into that soon. I really need it.

Anyway, then we went back to a friend's house and watched a movie I'd been meaning to watch for a LONG time... A Silent Voice. Oh man, it was really good, but... the themes of it hit a little too close to home, you know. LOL. Lots of held back tears today and not just because of that movie. In fact, I won't lie the feeling is pretty hot right now, and I probably should've written this when I had some time to cool down, but there's just too much for me to wrap my head around right now.

This is...this is really difficult to type.

I've already placed a few breadcrumb trail hints about my childhood and how shitty it was, and I'm sorry it's a topic I keep ruminating on but lately it feels...like it's been coming back to haunt me a lot, that movie brought back a lot of memories and so did... my friends today. This is going to sound even stranger but... having relationships, friendships, bonds... in person is... it's really stressful for me. I don't really know how to describe this feeling I get as any more than an analogy. This feeling that I've had all my life since those terrible things happened is like... It's like I'm frozen in this cast of ice, and it seems bad, it definitely could be better, but I've grown used to living in here. I'm comfortable here, frozen in this container. And having good things, being treated nicely online or in person (though in person is more difficult to bear) is like...a force that is melting the ice, exposing me to the better, outside world.

But I've grown so used to living in it that it being melted away is so incredibly painful, even being shown kindness is so painful. I'm just not used to it.

I know it's not really much aid in helping understand this feeling, but it's all I can think of-- being trapped in ice, or thorns or... just stuck somewhere unhappy I've grown accustomed to, comfortable in, and even if leaving it is for the better it's far too painful to move. It's been like this, this feeling for a long, long time. My friends today told me some really nice things, that they were happy I recovered from the, 'scare' I gave everyone for a bit, and they wanted to support me as much as they could. I appreciated it deeply, but that cowardice inside me, that fear of that 'melting' pain made me just want to leave as soon as possible... LOL sorry... I'm not sure... I guess it's good I'm writing this stuff down so I can have a concise thought for my eventual therapist later down the line. I don't really know what to tell my friends, that hanging out with them always brings this feeling... I don't really know what to do about it because it's completely a 'me' issue, and I don't want to just tell them I can't hang out, even if I try to explain it...

The residue of childhood emotional neglect sure is a bitch!

I think it's some sort of weird fear/panic instinct of getting attention/kindness I never had as a kid, just generally being treated better and I... I don't really know how to handle it. I even felt that here a little bit, of course, I don't want anyone to feel bad for being nice to me or anything, NO ONE is doing anything wrong, this is 100% a trauma response of some kind, that I'm trying to do some fucking rocket science to decipher. I've talked about it with Ingo in the past and she agreed, but her trauma is a bit different than mine, so she can't really give insight other than giving me a shoulder to lean on.

We're both just very wounded people, anyways.

I'm really thankful everyone is so kind to me though, it's just so overwhelming for this...whatever is going on in my brain, in my chest. It's like idk, like I lived on dirt my entire life or something and now that I'm being given actual food my body is rejecting it. Just another analogy... but yeah. Sorry, I came in with the intention of having a lot of good things to share, but for some reason, those good things keep hurting me, I'm in this feeling again.

But don't worry about feeling you need to help me out of this whatever this is, if you're reading this, I'm trying to get ahold of professional help again, I just need some friends to just kind of sit under a metaphorical sleepover blanket with and share stories, even painful ones like this.

You know, I love the blue sky and the afternoon sun, but the cover of night, the stars...

They always carried a sense of safety, night was always the time I had peace from what I suffered during the day.

A bit off-track, but I also remembered I used to be pretty avoidant of mirrors, I was that fucked. LOL. I remember in middleschool, the changing area for gym had a few mirrors, and I don't know when or why it started, but I remember being extremely avoidant of them, like, the moment I saw myself in them I would tear my eyes away as quickly as I could, something about seeing myself...seeing all those broken pieces.

I'm haphazardly glued back together now, it's not much, but it's enough.

Thanks for giving me a gentle place to rest my weary heart. Sorry my thoughts are so corny... I need to get it together before raid tomorrow. I'm not really sure what I did to deserve all the kindness people have given me now, at this point in my life, but I hope somehow, someway... this engine will be able to turn it into fuel to keep going rather than breaking down.

Alright! Tomorrow after raid, I'm taking it easy, I'm going to crawl back into my comfort zone and just have a very calm day. Peace, I need peace.

I'm trying to keep off the bumpy tracks, I'm trying my hardest!

 

[Blanc]

okay now that THAT'S out of the way, back to the good stuff!

Also I’m guessing you use hashtags to find people on Twitter? I’ll keep on trying, I’m just afraid of replying lol

Yeah! hashtags of things you like or just connecting with people in the same fandom spaces, I knowww there's some hashtag trends that go around to 'introduce' yourself to others but they change up a lot so I can't think of them off the top of my head... But I feel it! If you're comfortable sharing your art, just post it under the right hashtags and see if people interact!

あたしは多分すぐ寝るつもりです!
今日はあまり話さなかったです。それは残念でも!世界の終わり(英語のことわざを訳すのは大変ですねw)じゃないです!
明日は新しい日です!

うん、うん! 人生にはいろいろある、それでいいんだ! リシアさんとは、いつも楽しくお話させていただいています。列車は時々駅を離れるが、必ず駅に戻るから大丈夫だ。♡

ええと、何の理由でこれを書き初めました?

そう、ブランクさんの日は楽しかったでしょう?それは大切なことです!

いい日だった、と思いたい! しかし、私の心は厄介なものです。頑張ってるんですけどね。リシアさんは元気にしてるかな、リシアさんに会いたかったよ～

even if you were like, not feeling well, the fact that you posted here means a lot!! you're a super super amazing お姉さん, so we'll always miss you! but seriously, please make sure you rest a lot!!

お休みなさ~い!!

I'm sorry if it feels like you're the one that has to look after me, Lisia, LOL... I'm really touched but I feel guilty I'm so frail! I always feel like I should be a guardian to my younger friends, but my heart has been in a weak place lately... ごめんね、妹ちゃん。。。 You're the one I should be calling super amazing!! I'm sorry I came back to the station a little battered this time... but I'm going to try and take a few days to rest properly here. Thankfully I won't be busy again for a bit, I missed chatting already!

 

[Blanc]

Been listening to Lady Gaga’s old album Fame Monster again lately… can’t believe I went so many years without it, it still bangs. Telephone is so good… and yet after all these years I STILL know the lyrics to the Yugioh parody version LOOOL… my braincells wasting space yet again.

Also debating nabbing an Action Replay if only because I never got to experience the thrill of cheating a Pokemon game as a kid, and may as well do so on my underused copy of Pearl. Self reminder to buy that matching coord for Ingo and I later today…

Speaking of her, we have the funniest matching friendship bracelets. I have one that says ‘FUCK YOU’ and hers says ‘FUCK IT’. All our other matching friendship stuff is, of course, in white and black respectively.

 

[Blanc]

Ahhh… This feeling is really…

I’m so tired of being hindered by weaknesses created by what happened to me so many years ago. It’s so frustrating.

Let’s clear our heads and change tracks. Even if we have to cry a little to feel better, it’s fine, right? It’s fine.

Playing PLA has become my new self-soothing game it seems, LOL… That and Minecraft…

I can’t believe two of my friends sent me Pokemon plushies when they caught wind of what happened… It makes me so emotional…

So painful.

Let’s rest and come back to the station safely.

 

[ConfectionerMari]

This is going to sound even stranger but... having relationships, friendships, bonds... in person is... it's really stressful for me. I don't really know how to describe this feeling I get as any more than an analogy…
I've grown used to living in here. I'm comfortable here, frozen in this container. And having good things, being treated nicely online or in person (though in person is more difficult to bear) is like...a force that is melting the ice, exposing me to the better, outside world.

I honestly have the same problem, but slightly different. I always overthink and get super afraid of what they think of me, if they’re gonna leave or betray me, ect. I hate how clingy it makes me sometimes while also making me super distant.

I’m slightly more comfortable on the internet, but seeing as how a lot of my trauma came from it I wouldn’t say my relationship is 100% healthy. Either way, relationships are just so difficult to me. I don’t understand how some last so long; I wish I wasn’t so afraid all the time, y’know?

The residue of childhood emotional neglect sure is a bitch!

Excuse me joking to hide the pain but eyyy same! Neglect buddies!

I don’t usually talk about this side of me much, especially here. Mostly because it triggers a lot of stuff in me so I’d rather not talk about it for too long, or even at all at times. At the very least though, I want to make sure that you are okay and to know that you aren’t alone in your experiences and feelings. I think I’m recovering, but it’s a long process.

I can’t believe two of my friends sent me Pokemon plushies when they caught wind of what happened… It makes me so emotional…

Awww, your friends are so sweet! What Pokémon did they get you if I may ask?

 

[lisianthus]

firstly Blanc, I'm glad you're finding your peace little by little. from what you've said before, I think you're in a better place than you were before, and for that I'm very happy! It takes time to heal wounds and stuff, but it's very possible!!

okay now that THAT'S out of the way, back to the good stuff!

Yay!! Talking about the bad does have its' time and place too but...yaaaaaay!!

うん、うん! 人生にはいろいろある、それでいいんだ! リシアさんとは、いつも楽しくお話させていただいています。列車は時々駅を離れるが、必ず駅に戻るから大丈夫だ。♡

ありがとう！優しすぎますわね！そうです、絶対大丈夫ですかもｗ

いい日だった、と思いたい! しかし、私の心は厄介なものです。頑張ってるんですけどね。リシアさんは元気にしてるかな、リシアさんに会いたかったよ～

よかった～！頑張ってね！あたしがずっといるから、心配しないでください！

I'm sorry if it feels like you're the one that has to look after me, Lisia, LOL... I'm really touched but I feel guilty I'm so frail! I always feel like I should be a guardian to my younger friends, but my heart has been in a weak place lately... ごめんね、妹ちゃん。。。 You're the one I should be calling super amazing!! I'm sorry I came back to the station a little battered this time... but I'm going to try and take a few days to rest properly here. Thankfully I won't be busy again for a bit, I missed chatting already!

Not at all! We really do all have your struggles, and I'm just being here for you the best I can, really. Don't apologize for all the stuff you've gone through, like it is a lot! You're trying your hardest, and it's stuff I can't imagine at all. あたしのお仕事はブランクさんに世界で一番ともだちになってみることですから！So thanks and congrats for being strong. And please, take your time to rest up in whatever way you can, you've earned it~☆

今気づいたw、なんかブランクさんとあたし、たいてい50％か75さえ？？%ぐらい、日本語で会話をします。いい練習ですよね！？

あたしと話してくれてありがとうございます～、I hope you have an amazing day Blanc!!!!



Also, what did you end up getting at Subway!?

 

[Blanc]

Raid is over so now I can actually write some more!! Hope you guys are having a good day.. I’ll share some out of context things I found pretty funny that were said during raid today, there was a few this time, LOL. We were challenging the toughest fight in the tier! It requires a LOT of group coordination or we all die… We didn’t clear but we got almost halfway, and I feel a lot more confident in this fight than the last one.

ANYWAY, RAID COMMENTARY 1:

“I can’t run, I’m Argentinean.”

“Blanc and I are girlfriends and we are in a toxic relationship <3”

“Death and murder and killing and violence and blood.”

“Move all at the same time but Watch Out.”

“Okay, are we normal again? Can we continue, is everyone normal now?”

“I don’t like standing near the shit twins (me and Ingo) I feel like they’re going to lead me into an alley and kill me.”

“I keep eating all my cards while I’m not looking.”

“Who are you, you fucking FREAK?”

I honestly have the same problem, but slightly different. I always overthink and get super afraid of what they think of me, if they’re gonna leave or betray me, ect. I hate how clingy it makes me sometimes while also making me super distant.

I used to have this issue when I was younger, and it took me a while to get over it, mine stemmed from my trust issues. I think what helped me is just… well, I know it’s easier said than done, but putting my faith in people. Think of it like this… Trust what people tell you until they give you a reason not to, and if it turns out they were lying to you, then you can at least walk away knowing that what you felt, that your end of the bond was sincere. It definitely takes some time, but just start taking what you see/are given at what it is, don’t try to look at the closer picture. Hope that helps even a bit.

Either way, relationships are just so difficult to me. I don’t understand how some last so long; I wish I wasn’t so afraid all the time, y’know?

Ingo once told me that the end of things is inevitable, but we can always try and choose the way they do. It’s a sad thought, but it is a rational one, we just gotta live in the moment. Sometimes, people just naturally go separate paths, it’s not a bad thing, we just have to be strong enough to keep going on our own when those sorts of things occur. I understand the fear, but hold onto what you have now, or you will miss out on the time you had to cherish it when an inevitable conclusion comes.

Just be happy for what you have and what you can only gain, that’s what I think.

I don’t usually talk about this side of me much, especially here. Mostly because it triggers a lot of stuff in me so I’d rather not talk about it for too long, or even at all at times. At the very least though, I want to make sure that you are okay and to know that you aren’t alone in your experiences and feelings. I think I’m recovering, but it’s a long process.

Oh, please watch over yourself too, Mari! Don’t feel as though you need to dig deep and talk about it with me if it hurts, take care of yourself first and foremost! I am… OK! I have been going between spouts of being stable and unstable, but I am safe. I’ve been at this battle a long time so I think I’m used to weathering storms… Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart with me, I’m sorry if I made you recall something painful. I’m really thankful to have you. We can heal, just don’t be like me and get frustrated at the process… it does take time.

Awww, your friends are so sweet! What Pokémon did they get you if I may ask?

I was really surprised, everyone has been both offering and doing kind things for me in response to what’s been happening. I didn’t know my cracks were so visible… LOL

One got me a really big eevee, the other gave me a Yveltal… the latter is in the perfect hugging position, LOL. I’m going to run out of space on my bed! But… I don’t mind. These were given to me to help comfort me so that’s what they’ll do!

Not at all! We really do all have your struggles, and I'm just being here for you the best I can, really. Don't apologize for all the stuff you've gone through, like it is a lot! You're trying your hardest, and it's stuff I can't imagine at all.

I’d share more pieces of it if I could, but half of it feels like too much, and the other half my memory is foggy thanks to repression, so I’m sorry the picture is coming together in fragments… but thank you for always being so patient and gentle with my wellbeing… I want to doodle you something later!!

I’ll try to get better at not apologizing, LOL. I ironically got scolded by a friend for that last night.

あたしのお仕事はブランクさんに世界で一番ともだちになってみることですから！So thanks and congrats for being strong. And please, take your time to rest up in whatever way you can, you've earned it~☆

リシアちゃんは大切な友達です。彼女の前向きな気持ちを伝えたい！　リシアちゃんがいるから強くなれる。

今気づいたw、なんかブランクさんとあたし、たいてい50％か75さえ？？%ぐらい、日本語で会話をします。いい練習ですよね！？

はい、私もそう思っています！この方が、自分の柔らかい思いも表現しやすいと感じています。。。これからも一緒に練習していきましょう！( ´ ▽ ` ) I hope your day went good too!! I took it easy today after raid, so I’m feeling a bit safer.

Also, what did you end up getting at Subway!?

I ALWAYS get tuna subs… I LOVE tuna. I know there’s a very blatant irony in someone like me eating at Subway (yes… I know all the memes) BUT I’VE ALWAYS LIKED IT OK!! THERE’S NO OTHER REASON!! LOL. Eating there was my university staple. Today I switched it up though and bought a sweet teriyaki sub, it was reaaally good, but I also took a tuna sub home. If you like tuna, here, I’ll even give you my special! LOL
Herb and cheese bread, toasted tuna, pepperjack cheese, bacon (optional), lettuce (or spinach), onions, pickles, and yellow mustard. The teriyaki I unfortunately can’t remember… But they are both delicious! I almost always go there for lunch still. LOL.

 

[Blanc]

ANYWAY, RAID COMMENTARY 1:

Forgot another handful by Ingo specifially this time (even though a few listed are from her):

“You accepted heals from someone else?! You’re not supposed to do that… you only want my heals, right, Blanc?”

Me: “Oh yes, of course, I’m sorry, it’ll never happen again ”

The rest of the party: you guys are terrifying.

“Giving Blanc my cards because I love her the most… giving Amara my cards because he’s… okay, I guess.”

“I’m not explaining anything just see where god takes you.”

 

[ConfectionerMari]

Thank you for sharing this piece of your heart with me, I’m sorry if I made you recall something painful.

I think what helped me is just… well, I know it’s easier said than done, but putting my faith in people. Think of it like this… Trust what people tell you until they give you a reason not to, and if it turns out they were lying to you, then you can at least walk away knowing that what you felt, that your end of the bond was sincere. It definitely takes some time, but just start taking what you see/are given at what it is, don’t try to look at the closer picture. Hope that helps even a bit.

Oh no, it's completely fine! Honestly I'm used to my brain being a bitch at this point, though I'm much better at prevention than treatment. I've been told I have trust issues and trouble with commitment, but I'm unsure if its that or just my general anxiety. It's been a while since I've fully trusted people, so I'll try my best. Thank you so much for the advice, and once again I am completely fine! I truly feel better that I'm able to talk more about myself here, its kind of therapeutic in a sense. I'm glad that I'm not alone!

I LOVE tuna.

Have you ever had a tuna melt? It's basically a grilled cheese with tuna on it! It's really simple, so you can customize it as you wish!

Also the raid quotes are amazing LMAO

 

[lisianthus]

One got me a really big eevee, the other gave me a Yveltal… the latter is in the perfect hugging position, LOL. I’m going to run out of space on my bed! But… I don’t mind. These were given to me to help comfort me so that’s what they’ll do!

AHhhhhhhHHH that's super great, you have amazing friends!!!! I didn't even know they made Yveltal plushies...!

I’d share more pieces of it if I could, but half of it feels like too much, and the other half my memory is foggy thanks to repression, so I’m sorry the picture is coming together in fragments… but thank you for always being so patient and gentle with my wellbeing… I want to doodle you something later!!


I’ll try to get better at not apologizing, LOL. I ironically got scolded by a friend for that last night.

自分のペースでいいです！Share as much or as little as you want to because, well, this is you after all!! Also, thanks for the offer, I'd absolutely love that~

As for apologizing, It's very awesome that you're considerate, but there's nothing to be considerate about! 日々に小さい間違いをします、みんなが！悪くないです、普通です～

リシアちゃんは大切な友達です。彼女の前向きな気持ちを伝えたい！　リシアちゃんがいるから強くなれる。

優しすぎますわね！ブランクさんも大切な友達です！人生に色々なつらいことがあっても、ポジティブ人になっています！あたしが大人になれば、そんな生活を持ちたいわ！

はい、私もそう思っています！この方が、自分の柔らかい思いも表現しやすいと感じています。。。これからも一緒に練習していきましょう！( ´ ▽ ` )

家でよく日本語でしゃべりますｗ。あたしは静かに話すから誰もが聞きません、でもいい練習だっと思いますね。はい、これからも練習をしましょう～！

I hope your day went good too!! I took it easy today after raid, so I’m feeling a bit safer.

That's good! Mine was good, maybe not eventful exactly, but still very awesome~

I ALWAYS get tuna subs… I LOVE tuna. I know there’s a very blatant irony in someone like me eating at Subway (yes… I know all the memes) BUT I’VE ALWAYS LIKED IT OK!! THERE’S NO OTHER REASON!! LOL. Eating there was my university staple. Today I switched it up though and bought a sweet teriyaki sub, it was reaaally good, but I also took a tuna sub home. If you like tuna, here, I’ll even give you my special! LOL
Herb and cheese bread, toasted tuna, pepperjack cheese, bacon (optional), lettuce (or spinach), onions, pickles, and yellow mustard. The teriyaki I unfortunately can’t remember… But they are both delicious! I almost always go there for lunch still. LOL.

Subway is very great!! I used to love it a lot!! let's see, what do I usually get...?
...I forgot! But I think I usually get something spicy!?
Lemme note that down, if I remember when my family goes to Subway sometime I'll get it!!

Also, omg, pepperjack cheese is my favorite uwaaaaaa

日本語ができません人がこういうであたしたちの会話を読んでいます多分：i̴̧̧̢̘͈͔̳̣̞͉̲̥̊̾̐̀͐͐̏͋̈́̆̊͠ͅḍ̵̛̪̫̲̰̫̜͚̖̪̳̝̔̊̑͘̕ͅͅk̵̟̏̔̐̋̈́͆̆͑͝ ̵̨̻̠͉̤̝̝͕͍̕͝ͅt̶̮̒̆̉̇̔́̀̋͠h̸̢̧̧͔͙̯̲̤̤͉̱̟̗̝͐̂́̑͌̐͒̎̈́͌̎͒̃͛͝ͅe̴̘̠̯̞̩̜͕̟̩̭̺̜̣̜̪͂̽̽̌̔̾̂y̶̨̳͕̯̭̤̑̄̏̽̓̌́͂̆̂̓͜ ̸̨̨̲̙̖͍̞͍̠̺͖͉̮͕̇̔̒͊j̶̢̨̻̺̼̹̤͈͍͕̓̈̒͒̎̎̿̉̋̀̈̌͘ú̴̖̙̣̪̟͂̈́̐̓̽̽̏̓̓̚̕̚͝ş̸̫̫̹̺͑͋̈̃̓͛̎̽̈́̏̏̚̚͝t̵̨͎͇̞̗̘̣̹̼͚̥̝̓͘͜ͅ ̴̲̖̖̘̎̆́̈̐͑c̷̡̰͓͖̠̞̙͍̬͓͖̮̤̩͆̎̈̍̔̃́̔͋͛͋̊̚ạ̸̟̳̰̫̳̙͚̠̪̞̭͉̾͊̿͂̒̊́̚̕̚͜͠n̷̨̧̗̼̬̹̹̩͎̝̹̼͈͇̎̀͝'̸̡̧̢̢̗̱͍̼͈̞͓̺̿͑͋̍̔̅̕t̷͍̍͂̿̊͠ ̷̨͔̞̪̜̰̯̺̟̙́̂͗̌̌́̀̉̓̽͊r̷̥͕̫̈͒͌͊̋̿̿͊́́̕͝͝ͅẹ̴̛̪̽͜͝͠a̷̳̱̹̮̪̹̘̝̝̞̩̱͒͗͜ͅͅd̴̛̳̦͉̟̭̤͔͐̒͊̾̇ ̵̨̩̲̯̼͇͎̙̜͕͈̓ͅi̸̩̱̥̬͙̹̭̍́̆͘ț̵̨̭͚̔̿͌̄͊́̌͋̈́͂̕ ̴̡̗̱̥̗̜̩̩͈̐͒̏ͅi̸̧̨̛̼͓͔̯̳̬̟͈͍̣̣̥̅̑͊̅̋̈̾̇͂͆̓̎͠͝ǵ̶̢̡̛̻͕͔͕̘̯̮͉̦̼͕̀̂́̊͗́̾̓͘͜͝͝ ̴̨̳͎͎͓̭̜͎͉͈̮͍̜̊̂̃̑̋͌̾̓͗̈́̏̚͠ļ̵̡̩̘͖͈̗̩̟̺͖͕̰̜̊͒ơ̶̪̥̳̦͍͈̱͔̪̙̺̟̯̇͋́̂̎̊͒͠ļ̴̖̇́̾̀̋̈́͌͐̉̒̽͛͝

 

[Blanc]

日本語ができません人がこういうであたしたちの会話を読んでいます多分：i̴̧̧̢̘͈͔̳̣̞͉̲̥̊̾̐̀͐͐̏͋̈́̆̊͠ͅḍ̵̛̪̫̲̰̫̜͚̖̪̳̝̔̊̑͘̕ͅͅk̵̟̏̔̐̋̈́͆̆͑͝ ̵̨̻̠͉̤̝̝͕͍̕͝ͅt̶̮̒̆̉̇̔́̀̋͠h̸̢̧̧͔͙̯̲̤̤͉̱̟̗̝͐̂́̑͌̐͒̎̈́͌̎͒̃͛͝ͅe̴̘̠̯̞̩̜͕̟̩̭̺̜̣̜̪͂̽̽̌̔̾̂y̶̨̳͕̯̭̤̑̄̏̽̓̌́͂̆̂̓͜ ̸̨̨̲̙̖͍̞͍̠̺͖͉̮͕̇̔̒͊j̶̢̨̻̺̼̹̤͈͍͕̓̈̒͒̎̎̿̉̋̀̈̌͘ú̴̖̙̣̪̟͂̈́̐̓̽̽̏̓̓̚̕̚͝ş̸̫̫̹̺͑͋̈̃̓͛̎̽̈́̏̏̚̚͝t̵̨͎͇̞̗̘̣̹̼͚̥̝̓͘͜ͅ ̴̲̖̖̘̎̆́̈̐͑c̷̡̰͓͖̠̞̙͍̬͓͖̮̤̩͆̎̈̍̔̃́̔͋͛͋̊̚ạ̸̟̳̰̫̳̙͚̠̪̞̭͉̾͊̿͂̒̊́̚̕̚͜͠n̷̨̧̗̼̬̹̹̩͎̝̹̼͈͇̎̀͝'̸̡̧̢̢̗̱͍̼͈̞͓̺̿͑͋̍̔̅̕t̷͍̍͂̿̊͠ ̷̨͔̞̪̜̰̯̺̟̙́̂͗̌̌́̀̉̓̽͊r̷̥͕̫̈͒͌͊̋̿̿͊́́̕͝͝ͅẹ̴̛̪̽͜͝͠a̷̳̱̹̮̪̹̘̝̝̞̩̱͒͗͜ͅͅd̴̛̳̦͉̟̭̤͔͐̒͊̾̇ ̵̨̩̲̯̼͇͎̙̜͕͈̓ͅi̸̩̱̥̬͙̹̭̍́̆͘ț̵̨̭͚̔̿͌̄͊́̌͋̈́͂̕ ̴̡̗̱̥̗̜̩̩͈̐͒̏ͅi̸̧̨̛̼͓͔̯̳̬̟͈͍̣̣̥̅̑͊̅̋̈̾̇͂͆̓̎͠͝ǵ̶̢̡̛̻͕͔͕̘̯̮͉̦̼͕̀̂́̊͗́̾̓͘͜͝͝ ̴̨̳͎͎͓̭̜͎͉͈̮͍̜̊̂̃̑̋͌̾̓͗̈́̏̚͠ļ̵̡̩̘͖͈̗̩̟̺͖͕̰̜̊͒ơ̶̪̥̳̦͍͈̱͔̪̙̺̟̯̇͋́̂̎̊͒͠ļ̴̖̇́̾̀̋̈́͌͐̉̒̽͛͝

これっきりLMAO

Taking it easy today! Will write an actual entry later, got some RPs to reply to, art to do, but Ingo is kind of drained right now due to other people, so I put aside what I have to do to hang out with her. We were going to do some high-end raids to get my gear up but she also isn't feeling too well physically, so it's my turn to be the shoulder to lean on!

Been listening to a LOT of MYTH & ROID and Enter Shikari soooo gooood

 

[Blanc]

so many ideas rolling around in my head so much nervous energy uuuuuuuuuuu.. gotta calm down gotta calm downnnn

 

[lisianthus]

you're awesome blanc!!

 

[Blanc]

╔══▲═════════════╗
And our past will live on forever
As we strive towards our future
The sadness never disappears
It just becomes a part of us, deep inside
ᶠᵒʳᵉᵛᵉʳ ᴸᵒˢᵗ ᵇʸ ᴹᵞᵀᴴ&ᴿᴼᴵᴰ
╚════════════▽═══╝

My journey has to go on... with you.

I really, really like this song, not just lyrically, but it has that feeling of moving towards the inevitable, the feeling of descent, the way the instrumentals become more and more distorted as we slowly descend towards the bottom of a pit. I think that's how it's felt-- that's how life feels, we're moving towards an inevitable conclusion, we know this, but we're making what we can out of it. It's a solemn feeling, but not one of despair, of acceptance.

Lmao... I guess there's a reason people always think I'm much older than I really am.

It's just one thing after another lately, and I'm not a strong person-- I never have been, I'm a crybaby through and through. I mean, I know 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger' and all that, but it doesn't mean it gets easier, it never does. Mother's Day came and went, my mom loved her card, but I know our relationship is always going to be one with a boundary due to what happened in the past, but it was still nice to know she loved it so much. I have another therapy office to check out, but I'm not keeping my hopes up on this one because they work on a sliding scale without insurance.

But I'm not here to write about that anyways. We all have our own battles to fight, but sometimes, we have to fight for someone else. A friend of mine was having a very difficult time earlier I want to sort out for them, and then very suddenly, another dear person...

Ingo brought up some stuff we had both been ignoring for a long time. I mentioned we're both pretty broken people, life hasn't been kind to us, but between the two of us she's always been... 'the rock', the stronger one, the one who seemed like she could handle anything. Her trauma responses are different than mine, and I don't feel right to broadcast anything too in-depth that isn't mine, but when this happens, this very rare moment this happens... she instinctively shuts off her emotions, it's a defense mechanism different than mine but same in theory. I don't see it that often, but when I do I'm always filled with this sort of anger, this frustration. Not at her, not at any given force.

"It's just so fucking unfair."

I told her she needs a break from people, namely because our raid group has been giving her some trouble-- well, not even the entire group exactly... but... A lot of our friends are of the belief that they can treat her however they want because she 'lacks emotion', and it's not right. She feels like everyone else, but because of what she went through it's just reflex for her to to become entirely apathetic.

It's kinda funny how hard it is to stand up for myself, but when it's someone this important to me, I throw down everything, LOL.

But the bitter truth is, we've both been ignoring our own states of being. We haven't been moving forward, we've been stuck in place. The train hasn't been moving for quite some time now for both of us.

We ignored that because it was too painful to think about.

But every time it comes back to us, every time we have to sit and remember, like today, the pain becomes real again. After I graduated university, or even before I graduated, things never got easier, I remember at the start and end of every month I would have a breakdown, because I was living in regret. I wasn't looking for that 'perfect college experience', but my life was so much better at this point, but you know, when you live in a very very dark tunnel for most of your life, when you finally get to see the sun it hurts your eyes. My life was better, but I wasn't able to acclimate, I was afraid of trying because what if this 'better' was all in my head? There were so many opportunities, so many friendships and possibilities I missed out on because of my own fear, of my own safeguard because of the past. Time was moving ahead before I could keep up and recover, and Ingo faced the same issue in her own way.

Of course, I know I can't go life thinking about what I 'could have had', but I want you to understand how frustrating it is to be unable to live, to be unable to breathe because the things that happened to you never went away, being ready to move on but your mind just isn't. I've always turned this fury on myself.

This anger on myself.

Can't keep living like this...but too afraid to move forward. I think Ingo and I might consider moving in together if I can get a job over there later, we both just need to be away from what we know.

At any rate, I'm still fucking fighting, LOL and by god, am I not going to let anything happen to her, especially not after the things that were exchanged tonight. My dad is coming to visit next week, which is another hurdle all on its own (I might be sparser for a bit because of this), and I still haven't worked out what to tell my IRLs about my own issues... something something having the fortitude of pure diamond LOL. We're going to have to get this engine running for ourselves one way or another, and it's going to be painful, but it's all we can do to keep from being in even more pain stuck in place here.

I have to be patient with myself, one step at a time. I have to take my medication, I have to eat properly. I have to wake up and go to bed and fight my insomnia. I have to be there for everyone. I have to be an adult, I have to talk. I have to defeat these insecurities and feelings, I have to be OK.

If not for myself, for this person that has kept my flame flickering.

I'm going to try and get done what I have to this week and the next, and then maybe...hopefully... We can have more good times, better times. I'm not sure what I'd do if I was alone.

I hate phone calls, but someone's gotta do it, right?

 

[Blanc]

There's nothing I hate more than that little aching sensation behind your eyes when you feel the possibility of tears.

 

[Blanc]

I'm not religious, but please, I beg of you, I'm selfish. Please don't ever leave my side.

 

[Blanc]

played PLA to feel ok as usual, thought about turning my energy into bloodlust on ffxiv pvp buuut we gotta raid tomorrow anyways so I think I’ll draw

 

[lisianthus]

Blanc I dunno what I can say or do to make you feel better but I do wanna let you know that you're loved, like here, and with your other friends too.

It's really hard though...and I get that. I really appreciate you~, so please, keep going at it :)

I'm not religious, but please, I beg of you, I'm selfish. Please don't ever leave my side.

Maybe this wasn't directed at anyone particularly, but I do wanna let you know that I won't leave that side!!




ahhhhh dude I just really hope you feel better soon. even if not, that's life too, but I really do care about you. you're awesome!!