How Am I RPing?

[Heroic Sociopath]

When I first joined, one thing I would have killed for is some good, constructive criticism. In this thread, you can get just that. Just post something from an RP, and the next person will give pointers on what you're good at, and what you can improve upon.

Rules:
-Please, constructive criticism only. Don't just insult people! Tell them how they can improve.
-Don't be a freeloader. If you want criticism, criticize someone else first.
-If someone criticizes you, be a good sport! Remember, it's the only way to get good. Even if it hurts, that just means you'll get better.

-------
When Hanaeda found his seat, he sat down, making sure to get comfortable. He put in a pair of earplugs, and closed his eyes. He needed to catch up on his sleep. He had stayed up all of the night before, preparing for the academy. He'd take a nice, relaxing nap, and then be perfectly energized for his first day at the Academy.

Until he woke up miles away from the academy. He had slept through his stop. Hanaeda took out his earplugs, not wanting to believe it. No. It couldn't be. Would...Would he not be allowed to attend?

No! Hanaeda thought, getting up. He took his violin case in his hand. A bit of sleeping in isn't going to stop me! No ifs, ands, or buts! He said.

"Thanks for the ride! Bye!" He said to the conductor, as he jogged off. He started running, going as fast as he could. He would get to the Academy! He would become a great trainer!

...As soon as he realized he was going in the wrong direction.

"Oops." He said, as he looked at the map. He turned around, and remembered, he was a trainer.

"Giovanni, you're up." Hanaeda said, taking out a Pokeball and pressing a button on it.

"Drap!" The Drapion said, it's pinchers opening and shutting.

"Okay, here's the plan." Hanaeda said. Giovanni stood at attention.

"I need you to take me to the Academy." Hanaeda said. Giovanni nodded.

"The Academy is that way." Hanaeda said, pointing. Giovanni turned his head, looking in the direction of the Academy.

"I need you to run to the Academy as fast as you can. Understand?" Giovanni seemed to comprehend. The fact that the Drapion was indeed running in the direction Hanaeda has pointed would suggest that.

The problem was, he was doing it without Hanaeda.

"Goddammit wait for me to get on you!" Hanaeda yelled. He had no means of catching up with the Pokemon, and decided he'd have to hoof it.

The next morning, he finally arrived. He was exhausted, tired, a bit hungry, and he had been forced to sleep outside. Luckily, he had another suit to change into, and had managed to find a stream to wash himself in. Giovanni the drapion was waiting for him at the front gates. Hanaeda was silent. He blinked, then took out Giovanni's pokeball.

"Good job." He said, unsure of what else to say. He shrugged, then entered the Academy. After a bit of wandering around, he found that the other students had congregated in the cafeteria. There, his eyes widened. He nearly cried tears of joy. There was a sumptious looking buffet set out. He hadn't eaten the previous night, and was going to murderize that breakfast. He wasted no time, getting a plate and piling it high with sausage, eggs, toast, bacon, pancakes, hashbrowns, waffles, and a bowl of oatmeal. He parked the culinary skyscraper he had managed to erect next to Kestron.

"Mind if I sit here?" He asked.
---------------

Thoughts?

 

[Taengoo]

I really liked it ^^ Maybe try piecing together the short paragraphs into one? But, besides the point, it was beautifully made c:

 

[Heroic Sociopath]

I really liked it ^^ Maybe try piecing together the short paragraphs into one? But, besides the point, it was beautifully made c:

Ah, I mostly have the breaks there for dialog. It makes the thing kind of an eyesore if I don't have the line breaks. Any suggestions?

 

[Warrior of Fire]

I really liked it ^^ Maybe try piecing together the short paragraphs into one? But, besides the point, it was beautifully made c:

Ah, I mostly have the breaks there for dialog. It makes the thing kind of an eyesore if I don't have the line breaks. Any suggestions?

Most of those dialog breaks are for the same character speaking. Dialog breaks with chains of different characters speaking are needed to avoid confusion as to who's speaking, but they're not needed when the same character is speaking, unless it's a long winded speech, in which case the paragraph should end without end quotations marks, but the next paragraph does start with starting quotes. Of course, this trend is ignored if some non-speaking action by the speaker starts the next paragraph, in which case it's good to end the first dialog block with end quotes. Here's a revised excerpt from what you posted:

"Thanks for the ride! Bye!" He said to the conductor, as he jogged off. He started running, going as fast as he could. He would get to the Academy! He would become a great trainer! ...As soon as he realized he was going in the wrong direction. "Oops." He said, as he looked at the map. He turned around, and remembered, he was a trainer. "Giovanni, you're up." Hanaeda said, taking out a Pokeball and pressing a button on it.

"Drap!" The Drapion said, it's pinchers opening and shutting.

"Okay, here's the plan." Hanaeda said. Giovanni stood at attention. "I need you to take me to the Academy." Hanaeda said. Giovanni nodded. "The Academy is that way." Hanaeda said, pointing. Giovanni turned his head, looking in the direction of the Academy. "I need you to run to the Academy as fast as you can. Understand?" Giovanni seemed to comprehend. The fact that the Drapion was indeed running in the direction Hanaeda has pointed would suggest that. The problem was, he was doing it without Hanaeda. "Goddammit wait for me to get on you!" Hanaeda yelled. He had no means of catching up with the Pokemon, and decided he'd have to hoof it.

While I didn't change any of the words you used, the revision merely reduces the line breaks for the reasons I stated: the same character does not need line breaks for a short burst of dialog, some action happening, another dialog burst, and so on. The Drapion's "dialog", if you can call Poké-speak that, does count as a second character speaking, so the line break there is correct. Not only does doing this simple thing reduce the apparent length of what's been posted, it also reduces the actual size significantly. By taking segments like that from novels and breaking the dialog like you did, while the word count will stay the same, the page count increases, thus increasing the printing cost and possible consumer cost. For posts or fanfics, it reduces the page size, thus letting people read more without scrolling more.