Mr Metagross
User #50,000
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Re: Pokemon Academy: Dragon's Roar
I've finally got round to this, and as I normally do I'll give a first impression review of the first chapter. Later I'll give reviews in groups of three or four chapters. Alright, so here's what I got:
Overall:
8.5/10
Really, really good! Grammar is a bit of an issue, but aside from that I'm looking forward to the rest!
I've finally got round to this, and as I normally do I'll give a first impression review of the first chapter. Later I'll give reviews in groups of three or four chapters. Alright, so here's what I got:
A nice intro to what looks like a wonderful story. The storyline is advanced smoothly and neatly, though sometimes I felt a little too fast, like here:
I've got a couple of issues with the personality of Reggie. Firstly:
Uh, he's talking to himself. I understand that some writers have their way, by which I mean that some writers have speech narration and some don't. I personally avoid it wherever possible. Unless he's thinking this, and if so you could have made that clear.
Right, he gasped, he's pretty much lost for words, what else? If I saw a bloody meteor come crashing down from the sky I'd be terrified. Maybe his eyes widened? Perhaps he staggered backwards in amazement? One more thing: you wrote "sec". That shouldn't be there, also here:
That sort of abbreviated language should only be used in speech; I've never seen a book or fic written with this in it, and driving away from everybody else doesn't really work (though I'm sure you didn't really do it consciously. A lot of people say that so would type it like that).
Uhm, again, isn't he terrified or at least a bit scared and confused? Aliens coming out of rock from the sky; he doesn't seem in the slightest bit scared other than he tried to make a runner. I once read somewhere "not to make the characters cardboard cutouts". If you imagine a cardboard cutout of Reggie, he wouldn't change his expression at all, would he? These characters should ALWAYS be changing, just like a real person. I find the best part of any fic, book etc is how realistic it is. I'm not saying that this chapter wasn't realistic, because I could pretty much picture most of the academy virtually the whole time.
I kept on stumbling on grammar problems, but they weren't so numerous that they affected the quality of the chapter. I only need to say you really need to use commas in speech. If you imagine your characters speaking, they won't talk non-stop with no breaks at all, would they? You sort of need to use commas in the description too, but stop linking the subject of the description with the actual description. When you are describing one thing, such as the photo in Reggie's room, don't separate the description with a paragraph:
It was all fine until you split the description. It just doesn't work; paragraphs are used to separate the text when there is a change in event, time, subject or speaker.
Don't get me wrong, the storyline of this seems very exciting; and something really does ring "Harry Potter" about this, in a better way than the books (I hated them all, except the Deathly Hallows. That one was alright). I'm thrilled that you managed to stretch the story so far, and I really look forward to reading it all. I can tell that exciting things will happen, like when Reggie reveals this alien as his own Pokemon, and his relationship with Miko seems like a great sideplot to add. One thing I can't see in the first chapter (this might be a bit harsh of me) is foreshadows. They REALLY work and are a serious upside to any piece of writing, if you use them right. But I've got the whole fic yet, and I'm definitely expecting a foreshadow.
Two complaints here, in fact. Sentences shouldn't start with "And". There should at least be a comma before it, or if you're actually going to go into town a semi-colon. My other problem: it's like Reggie just teleported there. You really shouldn't have a character just jump right across what must have been at least a three-quarter hour walk.And in a blink of an eye he got there standing in front of him was a giant red rock that was glowing from inside.
I've got a couple of issues with the personality of Reggie. Firstly:
“Okay, I’m just gonna pop one of those TV dinners and go do my deliveries then I can get some sleep,”
Uh, he's talking to himself. I understand that some writers have their way, by which I mean that some writers have speech narration and some don't. I personally avoid it wherever possible. Unless he's thinking this, and if so you could have made that clear.
He gasped when he saw some kind of red rock that was falling from the sky as it crashed with the floor; for a sec he thought he was going to die from the crash but it only caused a small explosion and a cloud of smoke.
“I’ll go check that out,” was all he could say; knowing it was dangerous but his curiosity got the better of him as he ran out of his room.
Right, he gasped, he's pretty much lost for words, what else? If I saw a bloody meteor come crashing down from the sky I'd be terrified. Maybe his eyes widened? Perhaps he staggered backwards in amazement? One more thing: you wrote "sec". That shouldn't be there, also here:
luckily his student fee is gonna be paid off by working in different jobs around the academy throughout his first year as well as taking classes.
That sort of abbreviated language should only be used in speech; I've never seen a book or fic written with this in it, and driving away from everybody else doesn't really work (though I'm sure you didn't really do it consciously. A lot of people say that so would type it like that).
“Is it a meteorite, are there aliens in there?” he asked himself as he started walking down, but back off when he saw the meteorite split in two. “Oh shit, they are aliens,” he tried to run but he tripped and fell on his butt and could do nothing but watch as something walked out of the meteorite.
Uhm, again, isn't he terrified or at least a bit scared and confused? Aliens coming out of rock from the sky; he doesn't seem in the slightest bit scared other than he tried to make a runner. I once read somewhere "not to make the characters cardboard cutouts". If you imagine a cardboard cutout of Reggie, he wouldn't change his expression at all, would he? These characters should ALWAYS be changing, just like a real person. I find the best part of any fic, book etc is how realistic it is. I'm not saying that this chapter wasn't realistic, because I could pretty much picture most of the academy virtually the whole time.
I kept on stumbling on grammar problems, but they weren't so numerous that they affected the quality of the chapter. I only need to say you really need to use commas in speech. If you imagine your characters speaking, they won't talk non-stop with no breaks at all, would they? You sort of need to use commas in the description too, but stop linking the subject of the description with the actual description. When you are describing one thing, such as the photo in Reggie's room, don't separate the description with a paragraph:
He turned to a picture that was on the desk where the lamp was. In the picture was Reggie and his family, his mom and dad who looked like they were in their early forties, his mom had a long brown hair that went down to her waist as well as a pair of blue eyes, in the picture she was wearing a long sleeved leather blue shirt along with a long white skirt, his dad like Reggie had a ruffled black hair and shared Reggie’s black eyes, he was wearing a green shirt and a pair of blue jeans.
Reggie was wearing the school uniform because that was the day his uniform and they decided to take a picture, and there was also his little six year old sister, she looked like her mom having a short brown hair in two piggy tails and a pair of blue eyes, she was wearing a blue dress that looked like the ones dolls used.
It was all fine until you split the description. It just doesn't work; paragraphs are used to separate the text when there is a change in event, time, subject or speaker.
Don't get me wrong, the storyline of this seems very exciting; and something really does ring "Harry Potter" about this, in a better way than the books (I hated them all, except the Deathly Hallows. That one was alright). I'm thrilled that you managed to stretch the story so far, and I really look forward to reading it all. I can tell that exciting things will happen, like when Reggie reveals this alien as his own Pokemon, and his relationship with Miko seems like a great sideplot to add. One thing I can't see in the first chapter (this might be a bit harsh of me) is foreshadows. They REALLY work and are a serious upside to any piece of writing, if you use them right. But I've got the whole fic yet, and I'm definitely expecting a foreshadow.
Overall:
8.5/10
Really, really good! Grammar is a bit of an issue, but aside from that I'm looking forward to the rest!