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Oneshot Contest Entries - Voting begins now!
- Thread starter Ho-oh
- Start date
- Status
Man it has been a long time since I wrote that story, the flaws that were there are now impossible for me to do. But I'll fix it up and put on FF.net or something. See what they think anyway. . .
This is to say that everyone has different tastes in readings: I didn't really like most of these stories. Because they missed something, and I didn't trust the author from that point on. I'll save that for whenever these stories get their own topics, since I'm not supposed to review.
This is to say that everyone has different tastes in readings: I didn't really like most of these stories. Because they missed something, and I didn't trust the author from that point on. I'll save that for whenever these stories get their own topics, since I'm not supposed to review.
- Thread starter
- #24
Remember, voters should explain why they voted for a particular fic.
And I'll fix the flaw ASAP.
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2008
- Messages
- 4,183
- Reaction score
- 92
Wow, no votes at all as yet. I've asked a couple people to vote (without telling them which is mine, of course) How is the judges' rankings coming along?
I have done the same by asking others to just view this. Oh wait, they don't have accounts here so they can't vote. Oh well, can't rely on those without accounts for sure. But for those with accounts, I mean some of these stories may really get you good so check them all out and vote for the sake of this contest. It seems it could make the judges happy right now.
Bleh, I'm working on it. Do the judges want our reader votes PMed to them or posted in this thread?
Here's my 2 copper. If I reviewed one of your entries feel free to PM me for clarification/call me an asshole.
PS yes I know my comments for entries 8 and 9 are short and crappy. I wrote them last so I might redo them when I'm not suffering from a ten-review burnout.
Entry #1 (Two's Company):
Entry #2 (untitled):
Entry #3 (Downfall of a Master):
Entry #4 (Fight For Actopon)
Entry #5 (Black-Knife)
Entry #6 (A dark Alternative)
Entry #7 (Fighting)
Entry #8 (Empty)
Entry #9 (No Leaf Clover)
Entry #10 (A Crimson Life)
PS yes I know my comments for entries 8 and 9 are short and crappy. I wrote them last so I might redo them when I'm not suffering from a ten-review burnout.
Entry #1 (Two's Company):
This entry is not very good.
There are a few problems, but the major one is organization: we learn too much too soon, and that kills a lot of the potential tension. We're told about clone-Giovanni's powers several paragraphs before it's even relevant, so when the big reveal happens to real-Giovanni we readers feel a sense of "no shit, Sherlock," rather than "what the Hell?". Same thing when we learn that the distress call was also a setup by C-Giovanni to lure in R-Giovanni.
Which brings me to redundancy and bloat. I know you're using the multiple perspective storytelling technique, but if we establish that Giovanni is Silver's father in the first paragraph of the story we don't need to be reminded that Giovanni's son is named Silver when we swap over to Giovanni's perspective. Description is there, but it feels like too much of it is focused on explaining in several sentences things that could be described in one and not enough on what's actually important (e.g. the lab where most of the story takes place. Going by the story it's a dark room. And...there's a vague cryogenic chamber thing that's like a tube or something. And...that's it.). And then there's C-Giovanni labboriously explaining things to R-Giovanni that you just read about in the flashback not three paragraphs above, just in case you didn't catch it all the first time.
Finally, the battle is a major part of the story, and it feels...gamey. Game-knowledge errors aside (Gliscor isn't weak to rock), the battle description works out to "Pokemon used X! It's super effective!" and there seems to be no consideration in regards to the effects of using multiple Earthquakes and Fissures in an underground laboratory. There's no tension, no sense of momentum, it's just...there.
There's some minor stuff too, like Giovanni not talking like Giovanni ("so you're gonna have to go": given that Giovanni speaks in a very officious, domineering manner, I have trouble seeing him say the colloquial "gonna" instead of the more proper "going to"). The premise is interesting if not particularly original, but the overall execution pretty much kills whatever promise the story might have held.
OVERALL: 4/10
There are a few problems, but the major one is organization: we learn too much too soon, and that kills a lot of the potential tension. We're told about clone-Giovanni's powers several paragraphs before it's even relevant, so when the big reveal happens to real-Giovanni we readers feel a sense of "no shit, Sherlock," rather than "what the Hell?". Same thing when we learn that the distress call was also a setup by C-Giovanni to lure in R-Giovanni.
Which brings me to redundancy and bloat. I know you're using the multiple perspective storytelling technique, but if we establish that Giovanni is Silver's father in the first paragraph of the story we don't need to be reminded that Giovanni's son is named Silver when we swap over to Giovanni's perspective. Description is there, but it feels like too much of it is focused on explaining in several sentences things that could be described in one and not enough on what's actually important (e.g. the lab where most of the story takes place. Going by the story it's a dark room. And...there's a vague cryogenic chamber thing that's like a tube or something. And...that's it.). And then there's C-Giovanni labboriously explaining things to R-Giovanni that you just read about in the flashback not three paragraphs above, just in case you didn't catch it all the first time.
Finally, the battle is a major part of the story, and it feels...gamey. Game-knowledge errors aside (Gliscor isn't weak to rock), the battle description works out to "Pokemon used X! It's super effective!" and there seems to be no consideration in regards to the effects of using multiple Earthquakes and Fissures in an underground laboratory. There's no tension, no sense of momentum, it's just...there.
There's some minor stuff too, like Giovanni not talking like Giovanni ("so you're gonna have to go": given that Giovanni speaks in a very officious, domineering manner, I have trouble seeing him say the colloquial "gonna" instead of the more proper "going to"). The premise is interesting if not particularly original, but the overall execution pretty much kills whatever promise the story might have held.
OVERALL: 4/10
Entry #2 (untitled):
I want to say this is...Aladar? Some of the grammatical errors/word choices lead me to believe that English isn't your first language.
This fic didn't really do it for me, and I guess it's mostly because I don't really know what I'm supposed to take away from it. Ghosts are sad? People exploiting Pokemon is bad? Morty has the most convoluted, laborious inner monologues this side of a Shakespeare play?
I read through several paragraphs of sulking and being evasive for the big reveal that "as long as mankind is full of greedy douchebags, Ho-Oh won't come back": it feels like a lot of buildup to that "no, duh" moment.
Outside of Morty feeling OOC in terms of character voice, I have trouble saying much else about this fic. Like the ghost Pokemon that are discussed in it, the story ultimately feels pretty insubstantial.
OVERALL: 4/10
This fic didn't really do it for me, and I guess it's mostly because I don't really know what I'm supposed to take away from it. Ghosts are sad? People exploiting Pokemon is bad? Morty has the most convoluted, laborious inner monologues this side of a Shakespeare play?
I read through several paragraphs of sulking and being evasive for the big reveal that "as long as mankind is full of greedy douchebags, Ho-Oh won't come back": it feels like a lot of buildup to that "no, duh" moment.
Outside of Morty feeling OOC in terms of character voice, I have trouble saying much else about this fic. Like the ghost Pokemon that are discussed in it, the story ultimately feels pretty insubstantial.
OVERALL: 4/10
Entry #3 (Downfall of a Master):
This is probably my favorite entry of the ten. I'll try to keep the fellating to a minimum in accordance with my "equal-opportunity offender" credo, however.
I think the best thing I can say about this is that it's an angst-fic that just works. Way too many angst-fic writers seem to operate under the "LOOK BAD THINGS HAPPEN IN MY STORY, PLZ FEEL SAD NOW" approach, and the results often feel campy at best or read like the content of angry 13-year old boy's journal at worst. By contrast, this story makes you feel bad for the narrator/protagonist without random family members being murdered, copius buckets of gore followed by "now let's talk about mature themes," or any of that claptrap.
The most important factor, I think, is that it's ultimately relatable. While the situation is fantastic and in the spirt of Pokemon, the narrator's plight is something we can all sympathize with: he realizes his path in life has brought him no lasting joy or satisfaction, but he's invested far too much (financially, personally, emotionally) to turn away from that path even when he has all the reason in the world to do so. He's not a faultless martyr being shat on by a maliciously uncaring world for giggles and he's not such a flawed character that he's not worth rooting for: he feels like a genuine human being and not a "please feel sad for me" cutout.
*slurp slurp* Oh dear, what's this on my chin? ...Oi, enough of that "look I am a literary critic par execllance crap before I make myself hurl.
There are a couple of rough spots. The opening nightmare sequence eventually does make sense in the context of the story, but it's also one of the most generic "look at how pained and troubled I am" devices imaginable and frankly doesn't really put any interesting spin on that trope. And while it may just be how he talks, there are a few occassions of using a two dollar word where a nickel one would have been just fine. Ultimately though, I think this is probably the most technically competent, polished and interesting entry of the ten.
OVERALL: 9/10
I think the best thing I can say about this is that it's an angst-fic that just works. Way too many angst-fic writers seem to operate under the "LOOK BAD THINGS HAPPEN IN MY STORY, PLZ FEEL SAD NOW" approach, and the results often feel campy at best or read like the content of angry 13-year old boy's journal at worst. By contrast, this story makes you feel bad for the narrator/protagonist without random family members being murdered, copius buckets of gore followed by "now let's talk about mature themes," or any of that claptrap.
The most important factor, I think, is that it's ultimately relatable. While the situation is fantastic and in the spirt of Pokemon, the narrator's plight is something we can all sympathize with: he realizes his path in life has brought him no lasting joy or satisfaction, but he's invested far too much (financially, personally, emotionally) to turn away from that path even when he has all the reason in the world to do so. He's not a faultless martyr being shat on by a maliciously uncaring world for giggles and he's not such a flawed character that he's not worth rooting for: he feels like a genuine human being and not a "please feel sad for me" cutout.
*slurp slurp* Oh dear, what's this on my chin? ...Oi, enough of that "look I am a literary critic par execllance crap before I make myself hurl.
There are a couple of rough spots. The opening nightmare sequence eventually does make sense in the context of the story, but it's also one of the most generic "look at how pained and troubled I am" devices imaginable and frankly doesn't really put any interesting spin on that trope. And while it may just be how he talks, there are a few occassions of using a two dollar word where a nickel one would have been just fine. Ultimately though, I think this is probably the most technically competent, polished and interesting entry of the ten.
OVERALL: 9/10
Entry #4 (Fight For Actopon)
This is a Pokemon fic?
I'm not being sarcastic (well, not completely, anyway): a "Pokemon at war" story and about all we get out of it is "they stick guns on them and kill people"? Sure, that makes sense, but alone that's probably the least imaginative angle you could have taken with it. 4chan's /tg/ board had a few threads where they laboriously reimagined WW2 with Pokemon and how they might have a significant effect on battlefield strategy, whereas in this fic they can apparently keep up in a running dogfight with jets capable of breaking the sound barrier even with a few hundred pounds of extra weight strapped to them. Yay.
But ultimately, the Pokemon are superfluous: you could excise all Pokemon references from this story and it would barely make a difference. What your left with after that is a very, very generic Battlefield fanfic with some need to qualify its generic "look ma I just watched Saving Private Ryan" violence with an important message.
And that message ultimately seems to be "war is bad and people die and if God exists he's probably an uncaring asshole." Well gee golly willickers, I never knew that: I'm sure glad this fanfic is around to tell me!
Oh, and "killing people is okay, but using Pokemon to kill people and be killed by people is something I simply cannot abide!" Uh...what?
Not that this message (the first one, anyway) is devoid of worth or not worth telling, but I read it in All Quiet on the Western Front and if you don't have anything interesting to add to that it's not going to make me overlook some of this fic's other flaws, like the odd choices in sentence structure that make it feel like you're being narrated to by Stephen Hawking on a valium binge.
It's not overwhelmingly bad, but it's not particularly good. It's a really generic war story with Pokemon stuck in there in the least imaginative fashion possible. That's it.
OVERALL: 5/10
I'm not being sarcastic (well, not completely, anyway): a "Pokemon at war" story and about all we get out of it is "they stick guns on them and kill people"? Sure, that makes sense, but alone that's probably the least imaginative angle you could have taken with it. 4chan's /tg/ board had a few threads where they laboriously reimagined WW2 with Pokemon and how they might have a significant effect on battlefield strategy, whereas in this fic they can apparently keep up in a running dogfight with jets capable of breaking the sound barrier even with a few hundred pounds of extra weight strapped to them. Yay.
But ultimately, the Pokemon are superfluous: you could excise all Pokemon references from this story and it would barely make a difference. What your left with after that is a very, very generic Battlefield fanfic with some need to qualify its generic "look ma I just watched Saving Private Ryan" violence with an important message.
And that message ultimately seems to be "war is bad and people die and if God exists he's probably an uncaring asshole." Well gee golly willickers, I never knew that: I'm sure glad this fanfic is around to tell me!
Oh, and "killing people is okay, but using Pokemon to kill people and be killed by people is something I simply cannot abide!" Uh...what?
Not that this message (the first one, anyway) is devoid of worth or not worth telling, but I read it in All Quiet on the Western Front and if you don't have anything interesting to add to that it's not going to make me overlook some of this fic's other flaws, like the odd choices in sentence structure that make it feel like you're being narrated to by Stephen Hawking on a valium binge.
It's not overwhelmingly bad, but it's not particularly good. It's a really generic war story with Pokemon stuck in there in the least imaginative fashion possible. That's it.
OVERALL: 5/10
Entry #5 (Black-Knife)
Godwinned in an angst-fic contest. Oh dear.
I mean seriously. Thinly-veiled references to the Third Reich? Were you afraid that after a couple pages of a guy hunting down innocent people with a bow and vicious Pokemon that we might come away with the impression that the invaders were not baby-eating evil enough? Let's add in a sneering, condescending narrator to really pound it into our skulls too, just in case Bulbagarden is home to any nascent neo-Nazis who might be cheering for the story's implied blitzkrieg.
This is a Pokemon war story, just like Battle for Actopon. Like Actopon, it's boring: the Sceptile chase/hunt that composes much of the story goes on too long and is a chore to read (PROTIP: keeping a constant tense is important!). Unlike Actopon, it doesn't really try to have any deeper point to its violence and viscera, apparently relying on potential shock value to make you feel any strong emotions. Maybe it works, but I'm too much of a jaded internet troll to be moved by what ultimately becomes an overly long version of The Ugly Barnacle and so "BLOOD EVERYWHERE" in the written form does nothing for me.
So yeah, that's my thoughts on Black-Knife. There's a lot of violence, a lot of sneering cartoon villains, a sneering narrator, and no point to the proceedings. Yay.
OVERALL: 5/10
I mean seriously. Thinly-veiled references to the Third Reich? Were you afraid that after a couple pages of a guy hunting down innocent people with a bow and vicious Pokemon that we might come away with the impression that the invaders were not baby-eating evil enough? Let's add in a sneering, condescending narrator to really pound it into our skulls too, just in case Bulbagarden is home to any nascent neo-Nazis who might be cheering for the story's implied blitzkrieg.
This is a Pokemon war story, just like Battle for Actopon. Like Actopon, it's boring: the Sceptile chase/hunt that composes much of the story goes on too long and is a chore to read (PROTIP: keeping a constant tense is important!). Unlike Actopon, it doesn't really try to have any deeper point to its violence and viscera, apparently relying on potential shock value to make you feel any strong emotions. Maybe it works, but I'm too much of a jaded internet troll to be moved by what ultimately becomes an overly long version of The Ugly Barnacle and so "BLOOD EVERYWHERE" in the written form does nothing for me.
So yeah, that's my thoughts on Black-Knife. There's a lot of violence, a lot of sneering cartoon villains, a sneering narrator, and no point to the proceedings. Yay.
OVERALL: 5/10
Entry #6 (A dark Alternative)
Another proud entry in the "anything is dark and angsty if you throw in enough violence and gore" category.
I mean really, I've read several of these in this contest alone already: what more can I say? Warhammer 40k does this, but there's at least some inkling that the guys at Games Workshop understand how totally ridiculous it all is (see: the entire Ork codex). There's only so much commentary I can make about excessive violence played completely straight before my Well of Being a Total Douchebag Shiteating Smartass runs dry.
The entire story, I guess, is that Giovanni wins, makes Sabrina his sex slave (*ding* ACCEPTABLE), and that he's Ash's father. And also that Mewtwo got hit with a sufficiently serious case of the Stupid virus that he trusts Giovanni farther than he can throw him (the ending seems to imply that Giovanni ultimately succeeded in double-crossing him to boot).
Admittedly, I am being a bit unfair. The writing is technically competent and the fighting sequences are probably the most well done of the entries that have them. It just doesn't end up feeling as interesting as it could be: the story seems to want to ask "what would the Pokemon world be like if Giovanni won?" but never answers it, and the big reveal that Giovanni is Ash's dad feels thrown out there just because. It basically becomes a story about Giovanni pulling bullshit Mewtwo hax out of his ass every few paragraphs, and when it becomes obvious that there's no way he's going to lose the story loses its momentum.
(PS this is more of a personal gripe, but what is it with people thinking that Hariyama are small? The Pokedex puts them at over seven feet tall, more than enough for them to look down at a Nidoking rather than the reverse).
OVERALL: 6/10
I mean really, I've read several of these in this contest alone already: what more can I say? Warhammer 40k does this, but there's at least some inkling that the guys at Games Workshop understand how totally ridiculous it all is (see: the entire Ork codex). There's only so much commentary I can make about excessive violence played completely straight before my Well of Being a Total Douchebag Shiteating Smartass runs dry.
The entire story, I guess, is that Giovanni wins, makes Sabrina his sex slave (*ding* ACCEPTABLE), and that he's Ash's father. And also that Mewtwo got hit with a sufficiently serious case of the Stupid virus that he trusts Giovanni farther than he can throw him (the ending seems to imply that Giovanni ultimately succeeded in double-crossing him to boot).
Admittedly, I am being a bit unfair. The writing is technically competent and the fighting sequences are probably the most well done of the entries that have them. It just doesn't end up feeling as interesting as it could be: the story seems to want to ask "what would the Pokemon world be like if Giovanni won?" but never answers it, and the big reveal that Giovanni is Ash's dad feels thrown out there just because. It basically becomes a story about Giovanni pulling bullshit Mewtwo hax out of his ass every few paragraphs, and when it becomes obvious that there's no way he's going to lose the story loses its momentum.
(PS this is more of a personal gripe, but what is it with people thinking that Hariyama are small? The Pokedex puts them at over seven feet tall, more than enough for them to look down at a Nidoking rather than the reverse).
OVERALL: 6/10
Entry #7 (Fighting)
ATTN: to whom it may concern
FROM: Blastoise
RE: your fic entry
No. Bad.
This fic meanders pointlessly for most of its length, before suddenly becoming a "I WILL KILL YOU ASSHOLE oh no I am sad now and cannot keep on living /wrist" fic with little warning. The life of a Pokemon trainer forced to table his dreams against his will could have been an interesting story to write and read, but it's pretty much not realized by spending most of the story following a character who, quite frankly, is not that interesting and gives us no reason to care.
And then there's the plot twist so lame and contrived that not even M. Night Shyamalan would use it. And the battles are even worse "Pokemon used X! Pokemon fainted!" tripe than Two's Company (the contest entry, not the TV show): "Probopass tried to Thunderbolt, but somehow failed"? Riveting stuff, that.
If this was a troll entry, bravo: mission accomplished. If this was a serious work...well...yeah.
OVERALL: 3/10
FROM: Blastoise
RE: your fic entry
No. Bad.
This fic meanders pointlessly for most of its length, before suddenly becoming a "I WILL KILL YOU ASSHOLE oh no I am sad now and cannot keep on living /wrist" fic with little warning. The life of a Pokemon trainer forced to table his dreams against his will could have been an interesting story to write and read, but it's pretty much not realized by spending most of the story following a character who, quite frankly, is not that interesting and gives us no reason to care.
And then there's the plot twist so lame and contrived that not even M. Night Shyamalan would use it. And the battles are even worse "Pokemon used X! Pokemon fainted!" tripe than Two's Company (the contest entry, not the TV show): "Probopass tried to Thunderbolt, but somehow failed"? Riveting stuff, that.
If this was a troll entry, bravo: mission accomplished. If this was a serious work...well...yeah.
OVERALL: 3/10
Entry #8 (Empty)
Full disclosure: I've never played a PMD game, so I'm willing to concede that this affects my ranking a bit.
It's a human story of revenge cloaked in Pokemon. But since Pokemon Mystery Dungeon is a story of a world with Pokemon doing human things, I can give that a pass.
Overall, I like it. Our Machop protagonist feels human in the sense (and a lot like Downfall of a Master's protagonist, coincidentally) that the goal he strived so hard for wound up being a hollow victory. I like that the angst is present but not rubbed in our faces, that Matos' righteousness is suitably vague...it just works.
OVERALL: 7/10
It's a human story of revenge cloaked in Pokemon. But since Pokemon Mystery Dungeon is a story of a world with Pokemon doing human things, I can give that a pass.
Overall, I like it. Our Machop protagonist feels human in the sense (and a lot like Downfall of a Master's protagonist, coincidentally) that the goal he strived so hard for wound up being a hollow victory. I like that the angst is present but not rubbed in our faces, that Matos' righteousness is suitably vague...it just works.
OVERALL: 7/10
Entry #9 (No Leaf Clover)
One of the better entries, I feel.
Granted, there's some stuff that's off with it. I find it odd that an Absol doesn't know the name of a bear trap, views human healing prowess as borderline magical and can't immediately identify a gun but fully understands the concepts of pathogens and infections. It's not a deal-breaker for the story by any means, but it stands out nonetheless.
But otherwise, it's decent. It feels like something that could actually happen in the Pokemon world, and doesn't try to make you feel sad by beating you over the head with how grim and dark and hopeless everything is. At least until it's time to kick the chair out from under you, of course.
And...yeah.
...look, it's late and this is the ninth review I've written. Leave me alone.
OVERALL: 7/10
Granted, there's some stuff that's off with it. I find it odd that an Absol doesn't know the name of a bear trap, views human healing prowess as borderline magical and can't immediately identify a gun but fully understands the concepts of pathogens and infections. It's not a deal-breaker for the story by any means, but it stands out nonetheless.
But otherwise, it's decent. It feels like something that could actually happen in the Pokemon world, and doesn't try to make you feel sad by beating you over the head with how grim and dark and hopeless everything is. At least until it's time to kick the chair out from under you, of course.
And...yeah.
...look, it's late and this is the ninth review I've written. Leave me alone.
OVERALL: 7/10
Entry #10 (A Crimson Life)
Really, after all I said in the previous reviews I probably shouldn't like this entry as much as I do. It's got all the hallmarks of your typical (bad) angstfic: "I'm all alone in the world," "everyone's out to get me," "the world hates me, waah waah waah", etc. I mean, it even has "I made my Scyther cut me to make me feel alive" in it, for God's sake. I should be printing this out, setting fire to it, and peeing on the cinders.
On the other hand though, there's something about a Pokemon character of the day's spiraling descent into cheerful sociopathy that I find engrossing and entertaining. You can see her logic (albeit twisted as it is), and the letter-story has enough of a tongue-in-cheek undercurrent that the entire thing transcends the sum of its parts.
I guess this is just my tl;dr way of saying that execution can turn what seems like a bad idea into a good final product. It's not the best fic in this contest (at least in terms of making me feel bad versus making me go "you go girl, kill all those motherfuckers!"), but it's well done nonetheless.
OVERALL: 8/10
On the other hand though, there's something about a Pokemon character of the day's spiraling descent into cheerful sociopathy that I find engrossing and entertaining. You can see her logic (albeit twisted as it is), and the letter-story has enough of a tongue-in-cheek undercurrent that the entire thing transcends the sum of its parts.
I guess this is just my tl;dr way of saying that execution can turn what seems like a bad idea into a good final product. It's not the best fic in this contest (at least in terms of making me feel bad versus making me go "you go girl, kill all those motherfuckers!"), but it's well done nonetheless.
OVERALL: 8/10
- Joined
- Dec 14, 2008
- Messages
- 4,183
- Reaction score
- 92
Ouch.
I certainly got put in my place.
I certainly got put in my place.
Ouch, someone got a 3. Anyway, nice example there for a vote, have at it readers. Was good on that problem with the lack of plot or maybe the characters anywhere in a fic, short stories anyway.
Plus, I hope no one starts flamming over someone's votes. Because chances are they don't even know you wrote it, and they have their own tastes, deal with it.
Plus, I hope no one starts flamming over someone's votes. Because chances are they don't even know you wrote it, and they have their own tastes, deal with it.
TPJerematic
Photo ALL of the Pokemon
- Joined
- May 5, 2009
- Messages
- 1,082
- Reaction score
- 9
I ditto that comment ... thankfully i'm not too concerned ... i kinda knew it wasn't going to win but it was worth a try
Same -w- Dark/Angst is definitely one of my weaker points. I joined to improve. I don't care about winning.
This comment is true to my situation down to the last character. Well, maybe minus the smiley.
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