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the midnight blooming of lisianthus

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well..

i would like to make my re-debut here, so to speak.

i've been known here mostly as takoyaki, and well...

for the future, i'm lisianthus now. and this is my blog.

i wanted something like a fresh start... and i'm aware that a new account isn't very good.

so this, along with some other ways of making myself known, is going to be how i will say hello from now on.

hello :)
 
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october thirteenth, nisennijuuni nen
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『大人になって、大事なものが見えた時』
nakaniwa no shoujotachi - SHISHAMO
lately i've been listening to music on repeat. every night. sometimes it's vocaloid (well, synthV)-style alt rock, sometimes it's pop punk (only once), and right now, today, it would be my quote for today. nakaniwa no shoujotachi by SHISHANO.

music is a very nice thing, i think. when things are feeling good, or bad, or mostly anything in between, i tend to have a catalog in my head that matches the right thing to my mood.

for example, tonight feels very neutral? i can't exactly explain it well, maybe, other than saying that it's a fairly usual occurrence, i believe. the absence of deep sadness, or really sadness whatsoever, but not feeling noticeably happy. really, this absolutely isn't a bad thing, though :) that is just how i work sometimes. i am content with how things are currently, and the song i've been listening to on repeat for the past hour is very good.

in the times where i'm not feeling the best, i do tend to turn to more 'fluffy' music. and now wouldn't be an exception. i know i just said how i'm feeling isn't bad but... something to give me a boost of happiness is a good thing, right?

so when the bad feelings are happening, i tend to put on some j-rock. usually with female vocals because it feels comfier that way. so something like the peggies, or ORESKABAND, or SHISHAMO, that sort of thing.

and maybe it's a little funny, i tend to listen to japanese music quite a bit. and as my japanese has inevitably improved as a result of using it and learning more, little by little i've started to understand the songs i've listened to before. not much at times, maybe a lot at times, but having progress displayed to me in such a nonchalant fashion, like this, is a little nice.

the same kind of thing as if i'm talking in japanese with my teacher or something, i just know. it's quite strange, but of course i am very glad it's happening. something like a nice step in my goal.

a bit of a sudden thought, maybe, but i would classify the music i listen to when i am not feeling the best as 'shoujo' basically. shoujo means 'young girl' kind of, it's a type of manga and anime too. but that kind of music is my internal soundtrack for cheering up. my magical girl fuel :)

and well, i spend my nights like this now. ever since i started college (attending online), my schedule has actually been quite nice. i stay up until 1 AM (or later, i promise i am getting enough sleep), and then wake up at about 9 AM (or laterish). then, off to my one high school class.

i go by bike. it's annoying, and it almost makes me want to practice driving more (i do know how to drive), but...

i do have a fear of driving, somewhat. well, of being in cars, really.

car trips, long ones, magnify it a lot. and every time i get into a car, my mind forces myself to review the infetisimally small chance of impending harm coming to me.

so... it's something i just cannot do, really. i want to be safe. that includes being free from anxiety, too.


that may have been a bit of a tangent, but to be fair i don't really have much of an aim in typing out a post here :)

and now, time to respond to a message~ i am always happy to get them, especially from my big sis Blanc :)

takoyaki is a cute username, but Lisianthus feels very elegant and gentle!! both work great for you I think, but I hope a clean space also helps make a clean mind! I hope you don't mind if I sit here with you, Lisia!
lisianthus does feel that way, and maybe that's why i ended up picking it? it definitely feels natural. and like nature, too, i think. and yes, along with trying to make myself feel more comfortable in different ways, i hope that having a clean space will make things feel better also~

and thank you very much for saying hello. i am incredibly grateful that i can always count on you to be here for me in some way or form, and it's a presence i always want by me of course :)

until...maybe a few weeks :)
 
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november fourteenth, nisennijuuni nen
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«my heart's still beating, cause I'm still breathing, breathing, breathing to go on, my heart's still beating»
My Heart's Still Beating - For A Reason

WHERE'D MY DRAFT GO???????

oughh.... i had a nicely formatted post halfway done and everything...

so, this will be my third time making a blog post! i was feeling not good the first time, the second time was yesterday, and now is now!

... I'll probably continue this tomorrow, because it's a little late LOL~~


I don't remember when I wrote this? It was probably a Friday night, and nooooow it is Monday morning.

It sure was a weekend. I did a lot.

A recap of what I've done recently:

  • Played in a tennis tournament with my team (somehow I'm okay enough to go to tournaments), and got beat by the 10th best player in the tournament. We were there 12 hours, but I had my 3DS thankfully. I almost broke my elbow like twice while playing ahahaaa... also I got ramen after!
  • Made two separate forms of donut, both for Halloween
  • Made a lemon bundt cake, for no reason whatsoever
  • Made a white chocolate cheesecake, but this was for a reason
  • Made ramen because it's something I've been wanting to do
So. Lots of baking, but it's fall, after all, right?
The lemon cake was really good, I did it like a week ago. I still have one (1) slice left actually... it was a nice first try I think.
IMG_8396.JPG

And I did the cheesecake Friday, and then served it Saturday because it had to go in the fridge I guess? I timed it for Saturday :) (because it was someone's birthday and they gave me the idea to do it!!! thank you so much neesan~)
IMG_8514.JPG

I talk about cooking quite a lot... there's more...

I made ramen, also? With yakisoba noodles and a prepackaged base, but it turned out well enough, I think.

IMG_8504.JPG

So... with most of my talking about cooking too much out of the way...

God, I'm maybe a bit of a boring person? Rather, I can't think of anything good to say.

Oh, there's one.

I'm currently figuring out translation commissions (with help from @Blanc who is my amazing amazing big sis), so that's something I am looking forwards to! I enjoy translation a lot, so I think that trying to pursue it in this way would be a nice thing to do~~~

Uhmmmm........ god, what else? Lots of 'not doing anything particularly newsworthy' or something LOL...

Christmas is soon! I like the holiday times in general~ colder days are my favorites, and well, it's getting that way here too.

...

...

...

...

I hope I can write a proper post here soon.

では。
 
kansha no hi, nisennijuuni nen
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I'm writing this... well, kind of early, one could say? In my timezone, of course, it's Thanksgiving, but sometimes it doesn't feel like a holiday until you wake up on that day, if that makes any sense. So it certain doesn't exactly feel that way, yet it is, technically? Which is why I'm writing currently. At 12:13 AM.

So. What do I hope to accomplish this time?

Much to my dismay (in wanting to write a proper blog post), there's not a whole lot going on in my life. That's okay, I treasure the good things happening all the same, so it's not like I'm unhappy, usually. It depends~~

But, well, in the spirit of the day that today and tomorrow is, I figured that giving my own thanks would be a wise idea :)

So.

First of all, the things I'm grateful for.

Pokémon, of course. A near-constant presence in my life from my oldest memories, and something I've clung onto in some form or manner. And something that will continue to forever be in my life. It's brought me countless friendships, from looking at cards in elementary school to... now, where the people who I value in life are all Pokémon fans, who I've met here. It's nice that it worked out that way.

Which leads me to Bulbagarden as a whole, too. Sometimes I wonder how my life would be different without the influence of certain things or people as I've existed, but I can say that I'm happy with my life as a whole, even though some things are definitely not as I would prefer.

It's the time traveler's paradox, right? If you change something, anything, you run the risk of things changing on a titanic and irreversible scale. Of course, that may not happen, but... well, it's something to think about, I suppose. And probably why I have bad choice anxiety, too, LOL. Such is as life goes...

But, well, like I'm trying to say, because of all the elements in my life, and my past experiences, and the people who I've been surrounded with and the people who I choose to be surrounded with now, I'm me. So although things I would have rather not happened to me have happened, considering how my life is going extremely well now, I wouldn't change a thing. I don't need that.

I guess it's the right day to be introspective, I suppose... I'll link the album I'm listening to right now above. It's helping to facilitate my thoughts, I believe.

Which would also bring me to something else. Music.

Music is super interesting. I think most people do listen to music, of some sort, even if it's just the radio. And of course, I would be no different. :)

What kind of music do I listen to?

It might be a bit of a shock to some, but I'm actually quite a fan of emo and metal music. Quite a difference from my normal upbeat and 'magical girl'-like personality, but... well, that sort of thing exists in emo and metal, too. Like BABYMETAL and that sort of thing.

But well, that's kind of what I was born and grew up listening to. Not metal much, or at all really, I discovered my enjoyment of the genre... maybe a year ago at most? But emo, yes. My mom is a living paradox as a Mormon who loves punk and emo, and passed the music part of herself down to me pretty well. And so... that's what I do, usually.

Music can convey quite a range of emotions, in my opinion.

And emo is sometimes not a sad thing. I don't think I ever really listen to music in order to make myself sad, I don't think that would be particularly healthy? In the times when one's feeling sad, however, music is there to help, in whatever way.

Oh god, I'm feeling a little embarrassed about all of this, but it's not really like I should be, anyways. I hope. LOL.

What else....

I'm grateful for the human capacity to feel emotions? That might seem super weird, but I don't know, it's nice that I can smile and cry and be a person about things now. I've kind of realized that I'm 'gaining things to feel emotion about', and I think that's probably a part of maturing and growing up. Regardless, for whatever reason it's happening, I'm grateful that that's something I can do.

Oh, and before I talk about individuals, just... I'm grateful for those I'm close to, as well.

Recently, I had a bit of a mental health episode that resulted in me basically disappearing from the 'public eye', so to speak, and a few different private spaces, both of which I don't intend on going back to, fully.

And what brought this on? Rather, what did I learn?

I learned that I much rather preferred the company of a few people that I know well, and am always comfortable with being around, than being with a large amount of people who I only know superficially. If I'm able to do that, I'll more often than not function at my happiest.

I don't feel comfortable in big spaces anymore, but I have the feeling that that's not necessarily a problem, at all. After all, I'm not trying to go away from everyone. I just want to be comfortable, and feel as though I have people and places to go to, no matter what.

So, I'm particularly grateful for those people. Thank you. :)

And so, I think it'd be good for me to start on thanking individuals, now.

I might actually end up posting this tonight instead of later on tomorrow, maybe. I wouldn't want to forget about it, of course...

But, well, here we go~

@Orchid hello oki! (I am currently freezing up because I don't know what to say) I hope you are having a wonderful Thanksgiving morning, eat some vegetables for me please! Putting more lighthearted things aside, thank you for being an oki. It's nice to see you say hello, and I really enjoy the times where you get to say hello to neesan and I, too. You're a very quick and funny person!! And kind, too, I wouldn't think highly of you if you weren't~

@Hawthorn I hope you are also having a wonderful Thanksgiving morning too, please also eat some vegetables for me! I should discuss tea with you sometime soon... do you have a particular snack to go with tea? Anyways, thank you for saying hi sometimes, too. And for being oki's best friend, too. I will speak for him in saying that he appreciates you very very much :)

@Torchic W. Pip Torchic! Thank you for being my guide to the world of fanfics and headcanons and stuff... it's a bit new to me, some of it anyways, but I find that talking with you about Pokémon in that context results in interesting and fun times equally. Also, I find you to be a super understanding and kind torchic in general, too. Your strengths lie in much more than creation, and I'm sure of that.

@Frozen Fennec hi lunie :) I'm really happy that we've been talking much more as of late, if I'm being honest. You tend to surprise me with the amount of music-related things you can do. I'm probably just forgetful, but it's still interesting to hear about it all~. And also, talking about the things you're making, and your plans for it all, is interesting, too. Lunie is someone who I would definitely say is 'cool', because that's just how Lunie is, I guess. So thank you for that.

@Blanc I would never forget you (best for last~) of course. I feel as though I've been saying it to you a lot lately, and I kind of worry that I say this kind of thing too much equally as often (褒めすぎる), but... well, it's from a positive place, please be assured, so... I don't think it could be bad, right? I hope... But well...
Thank you... I'm incredibly grateful to have you. Like how I was talking about the butterfly effect of life and the time traveler's paradox above, if I changed anything I would have risked losing you, and that's something I would never want to happen. My worst nightmare, really. You are my incredible older sister always and forever, no matter what, so... thank you... I feel as though if I say anything more, I'll be bound to repeat what I've said, but I do want you to know that I want to reinforce all that I've said to you recently, and say that I'm extremely blessed to have you! So thank you for existing neesan :) Out of anyone or anything else important in my life, I'm most thankful for you, and I know and believe that with my entire heart. だから、あたしと出会ってくれて本当にありがとう、姉さん。あたしの命を変わってくれて本当にありがとう。あたしは姉さんにこんなことばかり言うけど。。。あたしの感謝を全部言いたいから。。。言わなきゃだめよね?相変わらずに、姉さんが愛してる。そして、ありがとう!




So.....


It's 1:22 AM now. I want to stay up more, and I just might, but it'd be better for me to sleep very soon, I believe.

And thankfully, I actually wrote out a proper post here, I think. Yay~~


Soon (I have no timetable for this), please look forwards to an audio post here sometime within the near(ish) future. I might not have a lot to say, but I do figure that saying hello like this would be a good thing.

では!!
 
i hope it's alright for me to shuffle over here!
I hope you are also having a wonderful Thanksgiving morning too, please also eat some vegetables for me! I should discuss tea with you sometime soon... do you have a particular snack to go with tea? Anyways, thank you for saying hi sometimes, too.
I'm glad to see you're having a nice holiday! Mine has been so calming, and I've definitely had.. more than a few veggies throughout the day.. But, uhm, yes please!! I'd love to talk with you about tea, so feel free to stop by anytime.. As for snacks, my go to is cake, pie, or cookies! Warm chai with carrot cake is especially good and I recommend it a lot..

Thank you for saying hi right back! :bulbaLove: I am very thankful to be able to pop by and say hello, and I hope to keep doing so! You're a delightfully kind person and I'm glad to have the chance to get to know you better !!

And for being oki's best friend, too. I will speak for him in saying that he appreciates you very very much
Thank you for being his friend, too! And thank you, Oki, for being mine!
i appreciate him very very much, too.. but i probably shouldn't get too sappy ^^;

Have a very nice rest of your day.. evening ? Uhm, whichever time it might be right now! I hope things continue to go well, and that there's plenty of good things in store for you !!
 
hello oki! [...]
A little delayed in my reply now, but hi Lisia it's always good hearing from you! I think I had a fairly solid day yesterday, all things considered; hopefully yours was pleasant enough.

but anyway, thank you for thinking of me. I know that I usually stay in my own space and I only show up to talk every now and then, so it makes me happy to hear all your kind words regardless of that. You're very thoughtful as always :)

i appreciate him very very much, too.. but i probably shouldn't get too sappy ^^;
DON'T YOU DARE *swatting you with a rolled-up newspaper*
(it does make me laugh/worry that Hawthorn is only recognized around here as being "Oki's Friend", I promise you he is his own person and actually a lot more interesting than I am)
 
fuyu no hajimairi, nisennijuuni nen
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'i know my words are cliche, you may feel worthless but it'll be fine'
phony - by the end of summer (midwest emo from kyoto)

and, the third time I've tried to write a post.

lately, I've been... not complaining, but observing, basically, that lately not much has happened in my life.

not anymore lol. such is as life goes... different things are bound to happen in one's life, right? and hoping that they're good would be better, maybe, i think.

so...

This week, it snowed for the first time this year (I say 'year', but it snowed last February too I think?). On Tuesday. It didn't snow a lot, but it was nice to see. And then on Thursday... well, that wasn't a lot too, but it was enough to get school cancelled.

But well... Snow on December 1st is kind of a nice thing, I think... if you know me, one of my 'things' is that I look for connections and meaning and stuff, just about anywhere. Anything to make me hope that there's something, anything out there.

And of course, snow isn't anything that'll convince me of some sort of benevolent deity. But I think it's a nice thing anyways. Something like, the most 'winter' of months having snow on its' first day... isn't that kind of astoundingly wonderful? A pleasant thing.

And even if I don't really like... playing in snow? It barely ever comes here, even though it rains sooo much and is cold enough, sadly, but... maybe that fleeting beauty is something appealing. Snow is some sort of mystical object, revered and talked about in hushed tones among many...

Until you have a driveway full of it, LOL. Then you'd probably curse the snow gods, but, well, we haven't gotten there yet, certainly not. It's just raining now.

Like normal.

'Normal' is kind of strange, right? Because... literally nobody can define it, at least not in a complete sense anyways. Everyone experiences life and reality differently from others, so... how does that work? I don't know, LOL. That's definitely not what I'm majoring in, anyways... but what I will say is that there's beauty in setting oneself apart from others, I think. Of course, there's a beauty in a lot of different things, but...

And what's normal for oneself gradually shifts, too, which is either a good or bad thing. Or neutral, I guess.

But like, people obviously change no matter what, right? Because of our experiences and that sort of thing. And in my experience, barring a few big things that have impacted me drastically in life, what's made me 'me' has been the result of sometimes miniscule, and often undetected, changes in my environment.

I guess?

I can't tell if this is me just typing an essay about... philosophy (?) or just talking about whatever comes to mind, but I guess this is how I write blog posts. I don't talk about myself, but I talk about matters vaguely pertaining to myself. LOL.

But that there, like...

Maybe you can tell a bit about a person by the way they present their words? like talking and typing and stuff.

And even then, there's code switching too. Changing one's vernacular or even language too, based upon environment, and more often than not, who one is with too.

Oh god, where was I going with this...

So people obviously inherit their own traits from their ancestors, right? Mostly physical, but also mental too I think too.

But the same kind of thing.... well, maybe in a more immediate and perhaps superficial form, can happen too. I think.

Like, word acquisition and slang. Everyone hears a word somewhere, but who was the first to coin it? I wonder...


This is getting much tooooooo introspective-y and 'deep thoughts that mean absolutely nothing', so I'll attempt to actually go with my goal of talking about things more immediate to me.

Christmas? I guess?

I really like the whole holiday season, but it doesn't start to feel 100% holiday until December, the main event for lot of people?

Winter is nice, the sky is gray and the streets are white and uhmmmm

Ugh, I still don't have anything to talk about. LOL.

I guess there aren't really any rules to having a blog, too LOL. It's here for whatever I'd like to talk about.

On a more serious note, here's the 'how I've been feeling lately' portion of the blog.

'Good?' with a question mark. Lately has been nice, I think. I've actually been able to do the things I've wanted to, and be with who I want to, so like...

Oh god again, I forgot to talk about scarlet violet... I finished it and it was good. I have some funny videos of my Altaria, Aria, on the bulbagarden tumblr somewhere if you'd like to see.

But my feelings, right. Despite something kind of shocking and... ugh happening yesterday, which has been not fun at all to navigate, well, I mean, despite that fairly large asterisk there, things have been quite good for myself within the past week or so? I guess? but god that asterisk has been not fun lol

I wish I could write something more of substance here, but then again, it'll be okay if I put basically anything on here I guess.

So.....

では?

(I'm half tempted to just not post anything here, but against my better judgement, I'll leave it here. I probably forgot to reply to someone here, sorry)
 
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「ずっと、ずっと、解けない あたしだけ」
-passcode 4854, rei yasuda

So... happy new year. It's 2023.

I guess it's kind of weird to think that a year ago, I was in a drastically different place than I was now. Well... not really.

Kind of?

Over the course of this past year, my life absolutely changed basically at a molecular level. I'm exaggerating things, but a lot happened.

I figured myself out more, I had fun, I started college, and I found a few friends too. (and あたしだけの姉さん!my big sister!! i DEFINITELY didn't expect that but ohhhh my god i am SO glad it happened, absolutely the best thing to ever happen in my life, thank you so much) Those friends are actually all people who are connected to 'here', which I think is kind of neat. Where would I be without here...

And really, it's kind of scary in a way? Thinking about how the most mundane choices in the world can make a huge difference.

But... I guess, thinking about whatever chances you may have missed might not help much. Because there are a lot of chances that you've gotten, right?

And those chances are what connect each other too, anyways.

And I guess that's kind of, something I did want to touch on, now that it's been the new year.

I hope that I'll be able to have a good year again! I can confidently say that this year was certainly the best one in my life. I kind of went from living a very mundane life, to one that's a little less so. A life that I feel has personal meaning?

I don't think that I thought, like in my wildest dreams, that all of this would happen last year. If you told me about any of this, I guess some of it would have made sense, but I think I would have been a little shocked anyways.

But I'd certainly take this existence that I have now, even if some of my days are bad ones, than before.

I'd like to think that I've grown quite a bit over the course of the year? I guess that's normal... but, I'm proud to say that I've gained a very amazing influence in my life this year, someone who I look up to like nobody else, someone who try my best to be like every day, and I'm really grateful for the fact that I was lucky enough to find them last year. Thank you... (あたしは、あなたから、人間になる方を学んでいる。あなたのおかげで、色々なこと学んでいる!あたしはとても感謝です。。。あなたのためにこのままよりもっとしていたい。いつかよね?いつかすぐ!あたしの「感謝」をちゃんと言いたいね。。i'm super super luckyだから、全自然霊で笑ってみている!)

So, do I have any hopes for this year?

...No, not really. I guess I'm just going to try to keep on going with how things are this time?

I guess it might be kind of boring, but this year isn't really one full of ambition for me. I just want to focus on making sure, I'm happy? And that I'm being with those I want to? And that kind of thing?

Maybe one thing... I'm going to continue on with art stuff! Another thing that I was inspired to do this year (by neesan of course) ... I know I have a looooooooooooooong ways to go, but as long as I keep trying, I'll get better right?

Apparently I've been improving? ...I don't see it, but I'll take it LOL. I'll try my best!

God, I really do feel like I've changed... that's probably a sign that I'm growing. And I'm happy with how I've changed anyways, so it's not like that's a bad thing? Change is a lot of the time, influence of those you're surrounded by.

And I can... see that a lot LOL. In many many different ways, too. Most of my change has been because of the influence of one person particularly, but it's something I welcome. Any chance to improve how I be 'me' is good.




Soooooo.... I tried to not make a post for the sake of making a post, so I'll talk about what's been going on for me lately, too.

Lately has been kind of sad for me! LOL. It's not anything too bad, but... I can certainly tell that there have been much, much better days for me. That being said, there have been some bright spots too, which I really am appreciative for.

And well, I try to smile through it. Rather.... I try to find whatever I can to make me happy. I got some really good... maybe not advice, but something that made me feel happy, that was said to me about that once
(i guess it was only a few months ago at the most), and I'm trying to imprint that upon my heart.

If you can't smile for yourself, maybe smiling for others, or even for one person in particular, might be easier?

Of course... there are bad days too. But that's okay. That's kind of a human experience. I just have to, hope that the bad times will end soon. They always do. I know that's the case.

So...

Until sunny skies. They'll come soon, after all.

では。

-lisia
 
I swear I won't delete this one lol.

Alright, so...

It's been a while? I don't think my 'sunny skies' have come just yet, but my sky might be clearing up enough for me to say hello again.

Last time, I was... not feeling the best, but I was hopeful anyways. I actually posted here like three or four times or so in the meantime, but each time wasn't.... 'right', kind of. I think most of the posts were depressing... because that's how I was feeling.

So, let's start with that, then?

For the past few weeks, I've been very depressed. I felt alone and sad, all of that kind of thing. And even now, that feeling is still persisting a little.... but it's, after a few setbacks, finally getting under control, I'd like to think. I'm really good at 'getting in my head' about certain things, and jumping to (negative) conclusions about how others feel about me, and that kind of thing. So... well, for a while things were horrible.

And even now, I can tell that things still won't be 100% great for a bit. But for now, I'll... get through it. That's really all I know I can do. My hope, or knowledge, that things will get better, will ideally overpower my fears.

So as I wait for things to get better, there's not too much I specifically am planning on doing? I have a bigger translation project lined up to help a friend of mine out with an obscure visual novel series, which I'm looking forwards to--it's one of my passions (and what I want to go into as a career), as... strange as it may seem to others lol. And art, too. It's begun to be a normal thing for me now, but I've been starting to draw quite a lot more nowadays.

And things aren't exactly picking up more academically for me exactly (my mental state at the moment has made it pretty hard for me to get work done honestly), but I actually ended up getting a congratulatory letter in the mail from my college? I apparently made the dean's list, which means my GPA was pretty good. I'm... not really proud, I guess? I don't like shooting for straight A's as a rule (I suck at math even though I was in advanced classes for it), and this was unexpected I guess? Which is why it feels completely normal. I've always been at least pretty good at school... I guess?

But aside from that, I have to decide what I'm going to be doing next year for my last year of high school, too.
I don't really consider myself a high school student really, like I devote more time to college stuff anyways. But basically, I'm probably going to end up helping out my Japanese teacher in some way next year. My school doesn't have any more Japanese classes after this year (I skipped a grade level for Japanese), so... I kind of just have to study on my own. Neat?


I've been writing this entry these past few days, actually. I've been lucky in that my mental state has been pretty steadily 'okay' these past few days, and I'm pretty sure that it'll stay that way this time around.

I just got home from school, anyways... going home is one of my favorite things to do. I like being outside in the winter because it's not hot, and everything looks really nice... sometimes I see animals too, always lots of bird, sometimes squirrels, and a few times rabbits. It also gives me time to think and clear my head... thus why I've been making an effort to do that more in my bad mental state lately.

But on my way home today, I kind of had.... not really an epiphany, but a realization, I guess, that things are going to be okay. My bad times won't last forever, I'm definitely not alone... that stuff.

...And I'm back, about 9 hours from then. Things feel a bit more sad... The best way I could sum up my thought process would be something like, 'I know I'm not alone, but being lonely itself feels bad,' I think..

Like, it really does suck. And I know that these days will end... but god I wish they'd end now, instead of later.

But well... I'm okay. I'd like to think that mentally I'm much better than a week ago, basically. And I hope that within a few weeks, I'll... get back to my own 'normal'.

I'll keep on going, I'll still be here... through it all.

Right before things got really bad for me, I got some really.... honestly, it was really... fitting, or, opportune... advice.

Basically... some days can't become good days. And when it's not going nice, sleep! It might sound a little bleak, but I guess that's kind of the truth of things? We have good times and bad times... I need to sleep soon I guess...


and, god, i just wish that the bad times would stop already......... so, so much, but...

「やらなきゃ」 is what I've been saying a lot lately. I have to keep on going. Because there's.... a rainbow, a starry, moonlit sky waiting on the other side for me.

So until I see that sky, okay? I'll try to keep on going......... not like I have much of any other choice anyways ahahahaha......

あたしの星夜空に帰るまで。

-lisia
 
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shortpost:

korean pokémon opening 'shimmering season' (please listen to this while reading if you read it)

i'm crying right now but it's because i know it'll all be alright and i'm just so, so, relived. even if things might suck for a while more, it'll all be okay and i'm actually like, really sure about it this time...

it'll, really all be okay. this time, really this time... i don't need to worry...... i don't need to feel the lowest i've felt anymore, because it truly, truly, truly.... will all be okay.

...i promise, i'll be okay from here on out. i'll try to smile the best i can....

finally... i'm regaining my very own mahou.

モウ、ツイニ、ダイジョウブ。

with that, i think i can finally in good faith, promise that i should be, maybe slowly, but regaining as much of my mahou as i can, for now. there's still more but... in the end,

thank you so much.

(i'm aware this may sound relatively incoherent to some, just please know that i'm pretty sure that i'm over a good part of my depressive state from the past month, and although it'll probably return again soon, i'll be okay in the end, i have my magic, i'll be okay, and it'll fully end soon enough. i'll be okay.)
 
'so when you're feeling low, or so damn distant and broken and lonely just know that you'll never be alone'
-the air up here, origami angel

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...one second into an entry here and i'm already crying... part of it is the fact that the album/song i linked is a very very emotional one for me but...

god...

i'm not depressed anymore. a very big win, for me. the time that's passed since i updated this blog last has been up and down.

some of it was good? and i was in good spirits. and other times i wasn't mentally well again... just about a week ago i had something really bad happen to my mental state, related to... anxiety i guess? i don't think i'd like to talk about it right here anyways. but i'm fine now so it's okay? i don't recommend it though...

i'm not that strong in some places, but i try my best. now, i have no reasons to worry, i'd like to think, soooo... hopefully hopefully, this time right? (that's not how my mind works but! i will figure it out?)

mm but in the time since then, i've been existing? i can't really say much about what's been happening, because there hasn't really been much.
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i drew a bit, which was fun as always. i'm really happy i started drawing!! i might not be the world's best riiight now but... i'll get better if i keep going won't i?

and i started writing another fic! as tradition it features ORAS lisia? but well, i guess it's like... basically, i guess it's, saying that even a super shining idol or magical girl can be sad sometimes, which is something good to know. i guess it's something i need to remember as well, too.... it'll be posted sometime!

most of all though, i've started to feel a little more like myself again. even if things still haven't gotten to be perfect yet, they're much better. and i hope they get even better!! i'll wait however long until they get to be better!

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ooh i got boba also! that was good, i love boba lol. it was a coffee and peanut butter one and it was something i wholeheartedly 500 percent lisia recommend! although i guess it was a bit more like a shake than a drink..? i've been meaning to make some on my own, but i haven't really been cooking lately due to aforementioned mental stuff. sometimes it's too hard to get up and do things? which isn't good but... i'm, recovering i guess? i guess? LOL.

mm, my birthday is soonish? i really don't like making a fuss out of it honest to god, like i consider my birthday to be just another normal day, but this time i'm actually looking forwards to it? a few reasons! the boba shop i got boba from a bit ago hires at 17, so i'm planning on trying to get work there?

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but also, my birthday basically marks, a year until, uhmmmm... mm, i'll just put it as, i can do important things that will help me to be the best i can? i don't like talking about that sort of thing at all, but i'll be eagerly counting down the days until then!

i don't really do anything for my birthday? that might sound lonely or something but, i just kind of treat it like another day, with donuts!!

honestly i should be much more appreciative of the fact that i'm alive, i guess...? i had a super tough road to get, here, basically, because i was born three months early? and it's basically basically some sort of a miracle that i'm not, either unalive, or (severely) impaired, physcially or mentally? (the extent of my issues from that (as far as i know) are spatial awareness issues, i.e. i bump into people a lot when i walk and stuff, i don't know how i can play tennis now that i think of it)

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i've half-jokingly theorized that it's why i'm such... a 'genki girl' basically, but... who knows, there might be more truth to that than i assume. i'm really happy that i'm alive, because even though i feel really sad and really hurt sometimes, especially lately, my happy times make it all go away. so it's a net positive? i guess?

...

my cloudy days are just about coming to an end, i hope. i hope that i'll be able to make up for all the days and days upon end that i haven't been able to smile, by doing it more soon enough. we'll see, but... this time, i really... sure do hope so. because, well...



i'm sick of not smiling~~

-lisia☆​
 
"You'll always be my hero—you're just everything"
-You're Just Everything, OCEANLANE


It's been a while..

Part of it has been because I kept feeling like I had nothing to talk about?

The other part was because I was hopelessly depressed for the past two months LMAO... I'm laughing now, but god it was terrible! 0/10, do not recommend ever! I'm still recovering from it, and I might have (a little) sad days in the near future but, this time!! I am feeling legitimately mentally healthy, and that's going to continue! Really!

So with that out of the way... what was I doing?

Trying to catch up on college work kind of? I got my mental health stuff get to my schoolwork and it impacted that too, which wasn't good. I'm not the happiest about my performance as for the winter quarter, but I tried my best considering the obstacles I had in my way. しょうがないね。。LOL, I have two art classes this next quarter so I'm excited to do my best for then!!

Aside from that, I kind of just tried to... stay afloat. That sounds dark LOL... and I won't lie, times were really tough sometimes! But I kind of figured out that I like... going outside? Like, going outside and doing nothing. Not playing tennis or biking to school, just going outside and walking around?

It helps me to think things through and remember happy times! When things get dark, it's sometimes really hard to... be reassured that it'll all end up being normal in the end. It's scary! But, it always does in the end, anyways....?

I live in an area that's literally right next to farmland! Of course there's city stuff close by as well, but walking around and looking at the animals is fun! It's still cold outside, which I like... when it gets to be summer I don't think I'm going to really do that kind of thing much (I don't like hot weather), so I need to do it as much as I possibly can now!

It's pretty outside... gray skies and green trees have always felt very pretty to me. Once I move out, I'm going to miss the... feel of the area I guess? Wherever I go (unless if it's Hokkaido then it'll probably feel the same!!) I don't think I'll find the same kind of... landscape or something like that?

But I digress! I saw some chickens and goats about a week ago... they were cute! Both of the goats got SUPER close to me (there was a gate), and it was kind of scary at first but... it was okay! I did not pet them LMAO....

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Other than that... it was my birthday a bit more than a week ago! I am officially 17, which is... well, I guess it's kind of weird to think about. As much as I'm excited to spread my wings even more, it's a bit strange to think that it's going to happen soon!

But I had my birthday... it wasn't a good one LOL. But it's fine because... I'm moving my birthday celebration to a better day, where I can actually properly celebrate it with those close to me? That'll make it good... but I have to wait until then!

Trying to think about other things I did... today I went to my college and saw our Taiko club perform! I didn't know that we even had one until I got an email about it... sadly the campus is a little too far away for me to visit regularly, otherwise I'd join!
I got some Japanese practice in as well after the performance which was nice! I could feel the drums in my chest—it was a super cool experience! I have a small clip of it (without video) I made to share here!



It was really fun. Just like in Taiko no Tatsujin!! JOKING... (although I wonder if it's a little similar? LOL)



All in all, after what seemed like BILLIONS (maybe like five? LMAO) of times of me proclaiming 'I'm okay now!!' then immediately having a horrible time after that, I'm... actually okay now.

There's still waiting I need to do in order to feel fully 'normal lisia', but I've gotten good at waiting I think! So I'll wait as long as I need to, because I know I'll be able to smile... even more!! Once that's able to happen! Even if it'll be hard, I can do it, and I'll be even happier soon!

So until then, okay?



大事な人のために強い魔法少女になってみているなのよ!この人へのメッセージ:

一緒に光っていこうね!いつもあなたを応援してるよ!

ずっとありがとう。。

lisia☆
 


✧あたしの収穫の十二月まで✦

It has been a while, and I've already been delaying on a proper update, because I have a very big surprise in store for then. I promise it'll come soon(ish), but sorry for the wait!

For now, I'll just give a quick update on how things are.

It's been a mixed bag for me mentally, but not in a way I would have expected? Despite it being summer, life is being incredibly stressful and full of worries now LOL. しょうがない。。

That being said, I've been really lucky to have support! in my life, and... to be completely honest, because I've been reunited with what I was missing this winter, especially during these past few posts, I've been doing so much better mentally. If it wasn't for that I don't know how I'd be surviving this, in all honesty.

I'm safe, I'm fine, I'll very very likely be just fine. But! I'll be explaining much more in a blogpost that I hope happens very soon, but I have an extremely, extremely important thing coming up, something that's going to be... honestly pretty tough to deal with. I'm leaving this vague on purpose but IYKYK.

I don't know how that thing will go, and to be completely honest, I'm pretty scared about it. But thanks to some really, really wise and comforting words I recieved about the whole situation almost a week ago... I've decided to try my chances at it, because I honestly don't think I'm going to survive like this much longer lol. (please note: i am and will be safe i cannot stress this enough)

So. If all goes well, a lot of my mental struggles are going to gradually fade away — this is quite literally a life-changing conversation I'm going to have over the course of this week, and something that needs to happen. And if all doesn't go well... I've spent enough time worrying about that.

I'll be safe either way, but I sure do hope that it'll go well... (worrying very much lol)

So yes! Apologies for no update in so long, but I've been doing much better, and I hope to be doing even better by the time I update this blog next. Life is a struggle... but somehow, someway, I'm getting through it.

あたしの夢。。。あたしの未来が、すぐ叶うのか?叶って欲しいので、頑張ります!
 
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✦あたしのことを「リシア」と呼んでね!✧

「あたしはあたしになりたいだけ」
— lyrics from a song i'm not sure i remember

it's been a while...

a lot has changed... is what i'd like to say, but really i'm not too sure if much has? lol.. i'm still the same old lisia, you know?

but wow... things have happened. the thing i was referencing above, i finally finally accomplished! it took me soooo long to get it done, mostly due to timing issues... and it resulted in... mixed results, i'd say. i guess a step one inch forwards is still progress...



so for the past little while, being completely candid here, my mental health has not been the best ever due to reasons i will not be specifying here, although if you know me well enough i'm sure you'd possibly be able to guess? at any rate, they've severely impacted my quality of life and happiness, and by doing the above, a big step to get the treatment i need, i had assumed that things would get a lot better...

and i was slightly wrong. moreso, because i didn't get what i was very much counting on... sighs. apologies for being vague here!! it may seem almost strange that i'm talking in semi-detail about something i simeltaneously wish to keep secret-ish, but it's the best i'm able to do here. my issues will be addressed inevitably, yes, but this new roadblock in my path is incredibly, incredibly frustrating, and it's caused me very likely the most pain i've ever felt. i don't want to wait any longer...

it's funny how one can feel so unheard and invalidated by the actions of those who by all means seem to genuinely want to help.

but alas... i'm trying to recover as best as i'm able to from that severe experience... each day has been slightly better than the next, i think, and i'm certainly still fighting for my happiness here (not for my life anymore, thankfully), but that's where i've been trying to take things slow...



i've been going on lots of walks, watching lots of youtube, and just generally anything to take my mind off of my situation. basically i'm trying to force myself to not self-destruct LOL... to mixed results. the support of my very own very very kind subway master of an older sister has certainly kept me afloat during this all, and i'm very grateful for her, more than i could say...

it's becoming fall quite quickly here, and i'm a very big fan... i think that next to winter it's my second favorite season. i'm a bit strange in that i actively prefer the gray skies and rain that are so common here... they feel like home.

coming with fall is actually my first part-time job, which i am decidedly not looking forwards to lol... i'm much more fit for desk work rather than the service industry, but this is a one-month-only thing, so i'll just have to bear with it... and of course the money i'll recieve from it will help make things feel a little worthwhile! i'll save almost all of it, but i'm already planning to shell out some to finally commission someone very special, which has been a dream of mine for a loong while. hopefully soon! (楽しみね〜♡)

but all in all, my summer itself has been quite boring... i'm not too sure if the changing of the seasons will really make anything different, but at the very least i'll have more time to myself, which i'm always very appreciative of. i sure hope that my mental health will surely improve, and i'll be able to grow into myself more and more as well...

life is hard, but as an extremely special person has said to me countless times, 'bad times are just times that are bad'. i'm going to get through this no matter what... after all i don't have much of a choice otherwise do i!?? LOL

i hope to update this blog with an actual 'good-news entry' soon enough... so i'll hope to do that soon!

もうちょっと我慢しないといけないなよのね。。。本当に痛いけど、あたしの未来には諦めないわよ。。。



☆最近の痛みは何よりも超非常に辛かったけど、いつものようにあなたのおかげであたし、本当に笑えるね。。あたしに幸せをかけてくれて本当に本当にありがとう!♡★
 
Had a whole thing written up here, deleted it, trying to write in a less mope-y style LOL. Here's the song of the day, it's from Japan's only big (American) football anime/manga series — big enough that it gave a few high schools American-style football programs! I wish that'd happen with hockey... fun fact, Japan has a pretty strong women's hockey team! But I'm getting off track here LOL.





It's been a while! Fun fact: the above was written probably during the worst time in my life! Happy I'm still around, though, and that's what's important, right? I'm doing much better, if you couldn't tell from this already, or just from how I've been around here lately.

So some very very quick recaps:

coming with fall is actually my first part-time job, which i am decidedly not looking forwards to lol... i'm much more fit for desk work rather than the service industry, but this is a one-month-only thing, so i'll just have to bear with it... and of course the money i'll recieve from it will help make things feel a little worthwhile! i'll save almost all of it, but i'm already planning to shell out some to finally commission someone very special, which has been a dream of mine for a loong while. hopefully soon! (楽しみね〜♡)

This all happened! I successfully completed my first part-time job... and just as I had predicted, it wasn't exactly for me! That's okay, though, because it was a good experience for me. 'Fresh air', as my very own subway master said. I got paid to distract myself after a mental health crisis... is this what you'd call a win??? Not so sure.

But I was able to also complete something that had been a dream of mine for a long while — commission someone very very important to me for art! You know who I commissioned LOL, she actually drew what is now my avatar!! It makes me smile every time I see it ehehe... it's perfect.

i sure hope that my mental health will surely improve, and i'll be able to grow into myself more and more as well...

life is hard, but as an extremely special person has said to me countless times, 'bad times are just times that are bad'. i'm going to get through this no matter what... after all i don't have much of a choice otherwise do i!?? LOL

I really had no other choice to say this kind of thing, otherwise I wouldn't have been able to keep on going, but I was right! The road I have for the future is definitely bumpy, but I think it's better now than it was three months ago when I wrote this. It's the small victories, right?

もうちょっと我慢しないといけないなよのね。。。本当に痛いけど、あたしの未来には諦めないわよ。。。



☆最近の痛みは何よりも超非常に辛かったけど、いつものようにあなたのおかげであたし、本当に笑えるね。。あたしに幸せをかけてくれて本当に本当にありがとう!♡★
I know nobody except one (1) person, and to be fair I wrote these for her to see, can read these, but at the same time, I will say that I was really right with both of these! LOL.



But, as for what's happening now? There's been a little bit going on!

First and foremost... it's wintertime already!! I really like it, although I haven't really been feeling much holiday spirit this year? Probably because I don't have much of a 'winter break' to look forwards to, because all of my college classes and such are online this year. Hopefully I'll be able to get more excited for it all soon, but at the very least the landscape and lights here are very pretty! I just wish it was safe for me to go outside at night... it's pretty this time of year.

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I've been having to work quite a bit on my college classes! I've turned in one final already, and have a final quiz to take soon. I just got caught up on my work for my drawing class today, which I've been really enjoying! I get to submit my final project soon... it's been nice to have a class that isn't all academic papers! But after this week, I'll be all done with this academic quarter, and hopefully with a pretty passable grade!

And speaking of college, I was accepted to a university in Japan! I won't say which just for privacy concerns, but if you're close to me, you know which one and where. I'm still not fully sure if I'm going to be doing that, but it is pretty surreal to think that in less than a year from now, I could start to finish up my college/university education in Japan, of all places, majoring in Japanese language studies as well. I need to think about my decision here lots, but it seems very appealing!

Aside from that, as for how I've been feeling? Being brutally honest with you, I've been more than quite a bit lonely lately, sadly... it's no fun when those who're important to you are busy! I can't really rationally be mad or put on blame, though, because that wouldn't be fair at all? I'll still admit that I'm very selfish, though, and will relentlessly hope that things will get less busy soon, though. I hope I'm at least entitled to that? It'd make me quite a bit happier, anyways, if that were to change...

But, well, I guess to sum it up... it's a bit strange to think that this year has gone by so fast! A lot of good things have happened this year, I think, but I hope next year will be even better and that I'll be able to be cheered on just as I've always been. I will try to be more and more magical and fly even higher for those important to me!!



Forgot to mention this, too, but I went on a shiny Joltik hunt in my copy of Pokémon Y for a certain most-important-person-to-me-ever Subway Master's extremely special bbirthday, and it took me a grand total of 988 tries! For reference, the Gen 6 Masuda Method odds are about 1 in 683, so I was well above odds! It took me almost a week, but it was worth it, I hope! I still need to give it to her!



最近あんまりいられなくて超寂しいけど、いつもあたしのそばにいるで感謝する!時々不安な気持ちがあるのにね。。。ずっとずっとありがとう♡
 
really important update, march 2024


〘Towards the dazzling sky/A new world is coming to us/Like pouring a rainbow〙
My Wonderland by NieN, featured in the DJMAX rhythm game series -- idol k-rock


...It feels almost surreal, in a way.

Hi. I'm writing this at not midnight for once LOL... because, well, I just got off of a really important phone call like 30 minutes or so ago.

I don't particularly enjoy discussing or acknowledging my... medical challenges, let's say? Because I do have a few of them -- but I will explain a little bit into what I've been facing for a long while now.

Keeping it as vague as possible -- if you look a few entries up, I think you'll notice a time when I was talking about my mental health severely, severely tanking, around late August. This is directly connected to that time. Genuinely speaking, I was at my worst then -- I don't think I'd say I'm 'lucky to be alive', as things never seriously got that bad, but I was in such a dark, dark place in terms of my struggles. I don't ever wish to go back to how I felt then, and that's putting it lightly. Time passed, though, and I slowly but surely recovered. Starting a part-time job helped to take my mind off of things quite a lot, really.

And now... it's around six months later. And I'll be eighteen years of age in only a few days, which is a bit... odd to think about, LOL! Do I still get to be a magical girl if I'm legally eighteen? Is there a cap on being one? I need to ask a certain Subway Master about this very soon, I think... but that's mostly besides the point.

Now -- in my country of residence, as well as in Japan, where it has been decided I'll be going to university, you become a legal adult at the age of eighteen, and with that comes the freedom to make your own medical decisions. If you are under the age of eighteen, your parents or guardians have to be involved in that sort of thing, and you are unable to 'do your own thing', basically. I understand why such laws are in place, but when it comes to mental health and such, things can get a bit... dicier, if there's obviously something that needs to be addressed and those who are supposed to provide for you are unwilling to help out. This happened to me LOL, but I got through it... mostly fine. Mostly.

So basically, I had the foresight to make a call to set up an appointment about looking into something I'm quite sure I suffer from, in order to receive treatment for it. Everything went really smoothly, honestly, even though I was incredibly nervous and almost hung up twice or so LOL. But... it's scheduled for around two or so months from now. I wish I was able to get in earlier, but they were booked pretty heavily, it seemed, so... I guess I'm just grateful that I'm even able to do this for myself, even if it means I'll have to wait a tad bit longer.

I wanted to share that here because, well, it's a pretty important milestone for me, personally. Mental health battles suck so so much, but... there is hope, in my opinion. Holding onto that hope is sometimes a very difficult task, even for me, but I'll be the first to say that doing so is extremely, extremely worth it.



Anyways. Aside from that... I got a laptop a few days ago, hooray! It's a combination graduation and birthday gift, as I don't want anything for my birthday and I'll be graduating (with my associate's degree wooooo) soon. I'm honestly extremely happy with it so far, having used it for a few days by now.

Something about going from this setup to this one:

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is really satisfying, I think.

It's an ASUS ROG Zephyrus G14 (2023), and... well, it plays Minecraft with shaders well, and that's really the most 'fancy' game I play, really. It might seem like overkill for someone like me, but I really really love the design and really just... everything about it! I thought my Steam Deck was great, especially when I managed to put Windows on it, but having an actual laptop feels so, so much better. It helps I got this one on a major discount, too LOL.

Aside from that, I haven't done very much to talk about, I think. Got my wisdom teeth out (minor medical details TW), which I needed to do before university, and I recently applied for a passport! It's pretty crazy to think that I'm probably going to be going to university in Japan for real now, like not as a pipe dream but as a real thing, but... I hope to make the absolute most of it, if I can. Also trying to fill out a living dex in Pokémon Y before the GTS officially undergoes shutdown, and I'm more than halfway there, hooray!

The cherry blossoms are blooming here now. Spring makes me sad sometimes because of the weather getting warmer, but... I do like seeing all the flowers start to bloom again, especially the cherry blossoms. I'll try to get a picture to show the next time I update this blog!!

Thanks for reading! I'll try to do something fun and exciting so I can update this blog and share a fun story LOL. I won't promise anything, but I'll try at least. ☆ミ(o*・ω・)ノ✧
 
hope it's okay for me to pop in here, just wanted to say i am very happy to hear that you were able to set up an appointment to address your struggles! i understand veeeery well how hard it can be to make important calls and have important conversations like those, so i'm glad you were able to get through it!!! i hope very much that it all turns out to be helpful and leads you on a path to even more healing. i don't know what you went through at all, but i can only imagine how difficult it must have been and though you are doing better, i hope you can continue to get eeeven better until not even a sliver of that pain is left (perhaps a liiittle unlikely but i'll hope so for you anyway)! wishing for you lots of good things :bulbaLove::bulbaHugs::yay::enzap:
 
magical girl off-duty (1)
No proper music selection tonight, but here's a video of my favorite band playing live, just after they formed? Wish they didn't disband, would have been nice to see them live... maybe someday.

Sorry to update this after only just about a day after I posted something! Please bear with me, if you would. It's been surprising to see more people other than the few friends I have look at this blog ahaha... I get shy and nervous sometimes, but if you'd really like to, feel free to keep on reading? Thanks for tuning in. Going to respond to a comment here before I get into more thoughts o7

hope it's okay for me to pop in here, just wanted to say i am very happy to hear that you were able to set up an appointment to address your struggles! i understand veeeery well how hard it can be to make important calls and have important conversations like those, so i'm glad you were able to get through it!!! i hope very much that it all turns out to be helpful and leads you on a path to even more healing. i don't know what you went through at all, but i can only imagine how difficult it must have been and though you are doing better, i hope you can continue to get eeeven better until not even a sliver of that pain is left (perhaps a liiittle unlikely but i'll hope so for you anyway)! wishing for you lots of good things :bulbaLove::bulbaHugs::yay::enzap:
Hiya, Elm!! This is probably the only time you'll see me speak in uppercase with proper punctuation like this LOL... Elm is someone who I've gotten to be really good friends with recently off the forums! We're a bit similar in terms of 'future aspirations' and such, they're lots of fun to chat with... this is an introduction of sorts, I guess.

But thank you for the congratulations! I'm sure that I'm going to have many more bumps in the road even though I've been able to take a really important 'first step', but... I have a feeling that this is going to make all the difference, or at least something close, in my life, you know? And I'll be able to get through whatever comes after, because everything from before had helped to make me stronger! Thanks for cheering me on, even though I don't go into details too much... I'll maybe explain a little to you someday, after I've been on the 'healing' process for a while. I think you're probably one of the only people I could trust to know a little, but really only a certain Subway Master (that I've told you lots about) is really familiar with everything beyond a surface-level, so even then you might not know everything. etcetc

Anyways, thanks for stopping by! I have tea and scones, so feel free to take as much as you'd like!!




off-duty omake nighttime thoughts:

...Being eighteen is going to be so, so weird LOL. I'm already worrying about how things will be for me now that I'll be not seventeen in around 24 hours...... though in practice, I don't think I'll have much to really worry about, I'd hope? Going off to uni will be its own thing, but I don't think I'm close enough to it for the reality of it to really hit me yet... and even then, I think I'll be more excited than nervous.

I've been doing lots and lots of thinking about, like, what it means to like... 'act my age', I guess you could say? Things like, am I okay to still be like this? and that sort of question, which... I guess the obvious answer, really, is 'Of course you're fine!!' It's not like I'm suuuuper childish or anything, and to be honest, maybe that's just not something I need to worry about. Eighteen is a big, scary number, but at the same time, growing up doesn't happen in a day, and it's not truly marked by a date on a calendar, after all. I'm just me, after all, and that should be enough.

And maybe that's just about enough for me, really.

I've found that I've usually taken the position of 'that is just how things are' in terms of many of the experiences and challenges and such I've had in life... if you couldn't tell, I'm a pretty passive person by nature. Speaking my mind has always been an issue for me... but maybe someday, I'll be able to find my voice, maybe. And if not, I think things will be fine, too? I'm flexible like that, after all.

But anyways. Sort of noticed I had forgotten to talk about how I've been feeling lately in my last post, but to be honest, I don't have too much to report on? I've been fine enough, maybe? I'd like to think I'm getting a bit more mentally stronger as of late, my lonelier times aside... keeping myself busy has been a strong suit of mine for a while, I think. It's my way of getting through any tough times or sad feelings, as well as oftentimes being really fun, anyways? What else would I do if I wasn't busy, I wonder...

Been worrying about how to help those I really care about out more, because I've been feeling really useless in regards to that lately? I don't like to think that I can't do anything, even if that really is the case -- maybe that's why I've so strongly identified with magical girl-type stuff, because it seems they're always able to do something, no matter what they face. I want to be like that... but maybe that's something to talk about for another time. I'm trying my best like this, though I'm sure I'm never enough LOL. It is what is is, I guess... I lack self-confidence in many ways, but I think as time goes on I'll gain more, I think. I don't get 'fired up' about a lot, but feeling like I'm making a proper difference in the life / lives of those important to me is something of a big goal of mine.

...Thinking about it, I guess 'protecting the one(s) you love' is a valid 'origin story' for a magical girl, anyways, isn't it? It certainly feels like one, anyways... probably because it's mine, after all? I can't think of other reasons, though you might be able to figure them out better than myself...



On that note, I guess right now, I'll be admittedly a bit impatient. I know I just wondered this out loud in my entry from a few days ago (go read it if you haven't, please, any readers!!), buuuut... @Blanc pulls you into here if that is fine! I've been thinking about this much more than I should be lately, LOL... 失礼します♡ORZ

...Do I still get to be a magical girl? I think you'd know the answer best for a few different reasons, not only from a 'theological' perspective in terms of you knowing how that works, but also from a 'knowing me' one, because... you know me best out of anyone in the world, I know that for a fact. If the answer is 'no' and I have to become a witch or a vampire(?) or something, I will figure that out, hopefully with your help? It will be okay. I know this is a bit of a silly question, but... I really hope you understand. Sorry for my silliness! You're veeerrrrry good at putting up with me, and I'm grateful. i miss you so so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I sort of think it'll come in handy for something I'm writing as part of my efforts to 'do something to help', that you ('you' as in neechan AKA my older sister AKA Blanc AKA the Subway Master in the room) should hopefully see soon. My writing is the only thing I'm confident in the quality of, T_T... but that is okay, because it's one of my passions, you know? Writing is how I can properly let my ideas and feelings out, and I really like doing it, anyways. It makes me happy when people go to the trouble of reading my stuff, ehehe... I need to revisit that VN idea I had a few years ago... I'll probably scrap half of it, but I liked the plot enough.

Sorry for rambling so much!

As a treat for sticking around for so long, here's some picture of the cherry blossoms around here I was talking about.

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Hopefully I won't update for another while LOL! Maybe when the fancy strikes me again and I have more thoughts... you never know, I guess.

Thanks for reading...✧✧
 
I have been blessed with pretty cherry blossom photos... I didn't get to mention it till now but I'm so excited you finally have a laptop too!! Does this mean we can game together forreal real??? (Not that we didn't before but u know what I mean!!)

And while I did tell you happy birthday elsewhere, I'll say happy birthday here properly too, even though it's late now!! LOL You deserve to have it celebrated as many times as possible!! I know you said you're proud of me for becoming admin, but I'm proud of you, Lisia for coming this far in your life, as a person and growing into the magical girl you want to be. I know it's not easy, but I'm glad your road is becoming a little less treacherous.
On that note, I guess right now, I'll be admittedly a bit impatient. I know I just wondered this out loud in my entry from a few days ago (go read it if you haven't, please, any readers!!), buuuut... @Blanc pulls you into here if that is fine! I've been thinking about this much more than I should be lately, LOL... 失礼します♡ORZ
Hiii :))) It's okay to be impatient! I think you deserve to be selfish sometimes. 問題ない~

...Do I still get to be a magical girl? I think you'd know the answer best for a few different reasons, not only from a 'theological' perspective in terms of you knowing how that works, but also from a 'knowing me' one, because... you know me best out of anyone in the world, I know that for a fact. If the answer is 'no' and I have to become a witch or a vampire(?) or something, I will figure that out, hopefully with your help? It will be okay. I know this is a bit of a silly question, but... I really hope you understand. Sorry for my silliness! You're veeerrrrry good at putting up with me, and I'm grateful. i miss you so so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think you can be a magical girl as long as you want to be, as cheesy as it sounds. While I believe magical girls 'grow up' to be witches, I think that 'growing up' here is a sort of, metaphysical term, as in, its a title you choose to take on (or not!) when you feel its suitable. Obviously time marches on, and there may come a future you won't 'feel' like a magical girl anymore and maybe want to become something else, and I think at that point is the time you can decide to hang up your hat (or wand? Staff?) of being a magical girl. That's what I think, anyway! Even though you legally become an adult at age 18, I personally never really felt like an adult until I hit 21, if I'm being real-- and that's not just because it's the drinking age. Becoming an adult is not just about getting older physically, it's about finding your footing and moving independently of whatever metaphorical chains bound you before. This is my long winded way of saying you being a magical girl is not directly defined by your age, but by where you think you stand as a girl in the chapter of your growth. 何があっても、あなたは私の妹なんだから

That's what I think anyway! And nooo, I don't put up with you at all, if anything, I'm the one who should be thanking you for being so patient with me! I miss you too!! Tell me what you've been enjoying playing on your laptop when you can!!
 
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